Saturday, May 19, 2007

Saturday Afternoon at 1:11 PM

"Listen, stop waiting and move on. You’ve had your chance."


"We are back in Malacca. We are standing in the driveway of your house and it was raining hard. You are standing at your porch where it’s sheltered and you are dry. I am standing where the rain drenched me and you cannot see me crying.

I ask, looking straight into your eyes; ‘Will you go out with me one last time before you go back to him?’"

first chance

I was snapped from my dream by the loud ‘ding dong’ of my doorbell. I turned on my bed, buried my face into the pillow and threw my blanket over my head. Maybe I dreamt that doorbell sound too. Maybe it’ll go away if I ignore it.

No such chance. I could practically imagine the door bell clearing its throat and preparing for another louder, more obnoxious call – or at least, that was what it seemed like to me.


‘One minute!’ I hollered, finding my voice emerging as a croak from my parched throat. I was not in the best of humour – so I purposefully took my time to spite the innocent house-caller. I inched to my bathroom and soaked my face with water, noting privately what a pile of shit I looked like in the mirror and deliberated on whether I should brush my teeth first before answering the door. Then, I wiped the last vestiges of a slumber forcefully abandoned from my eyes with my towel and threw on a practically clean shirt before dragging my butt to the tiny anteroom (yes, I call it that to make my dingy little rat-hole sound posh) that separates my bedroom from the great outdoors. On the way, I spotted my water bottle standing beside my laptop on my cluttered, overpopulated desk, and I took a deep draught from it. Mysterious afternoon house-caller can wait. Maybe I should let him ring the doorbell a third time.

‘What if it’s her?’ squeaked pathetically in my mind. I hate it when that happens. I hate it as much as I hate sleeping and dreaming impossible dreams that always leave a horrible, hollow feeling inside me when I wake up.

But that did not stop me from moving a lot faster.

‘Who is it?’ I asked while standing behind my front door in my "anteroom". I always do that unless I am expecting someone. As if it is not enough that I am simultaneously bipolar, depressed, and clinically anti-social; I have to be a paranoid pussy too.

‘Pizza,’ was the heavily Indian-accented answer that came back.

I did not order any pizza, and I do not remember ordering any in my dream either. I unbolted the door and opened it, revealing a bona fide Domino’s Pizza delivery guy in the familiar red-and-blue with a box in his hands. I felt that familiar twinge of disappointment at the back of my head that I have felt a thousand times over every time my doorbell goes off, or my phone rings, or I hear the familiar double-tone of the SMS alert. ‘What if it’s her?’ gets me every time. I’m such a sucker.

‘I did not order pizza,’ I said.

‘This is No. 15, Acharya Compound, no?’ he asked, alternatively re-examining the note taped on the pizza box and looking helplessly at me.

‘No, this is No. 5,’ I said and shut the door.

I threw myself face-down on my bed and said ‘Damn’ into the sheets. It was not the sort of ‘Damn’ people utter with passion in anger, or the sort that escape people’s lips when they are awed or surprised.

It was a dull, expressionless sort of ‘Damn’; the type people say when they feel jaded, emotionally weary, and sick – to the stomach – of life and living.

second chance

"We are back in Malacca. We are standing in the driveway of your house and it was raining hard. You are standing at your porch where it’s sheltered and you are dry. I am standing where the rain drenched me and you cannot see me crying.

I ask, looking straight into your eyes; ‘Will you go out with me one last time before you go back to him?’

You say yes."

But that was just a dream.

k0k s3n w4i


michellesy the empathetic said...

Why can't dreams go away and leave us alone?

They're so cruel and so very, very cold, especially when they're tempting us with something we want but cannot have.

But is it sadder when even our dreams become infected with a tinge of reality, as yours were?

Or would you rather see her in your dreams than not at all?

Of course you still get that hollow, clenched feeling in your stomach every time there's a knock on the door, everytime the phone rings, everytime you catch a glimpse of someone resembling her, thinking all the while that it is Perfection.

Thing is, it may very well be. These things are well within the realm of possibility. Nothing paranoid about it.

It hasn't been that long either, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Courage, my friend.

You'll find there's a hidden Spartan inside you after all *hugs*

baby sa said...

such an emo post.
speechless as not knowing what to say after reading it.
haunting dreams huh...that's something we can't get through sometimes...
and yet...we wanted so much to get over it..

innshan said...

*pat on ur back*
I wish you happiness.

fuolornis said...

hugs buddy

mrbherng said...

dude, move forward =)

and by the way, you can't really blame the pizza guy from waking you up.. It's 1pm in the noon right?

bubbly soda said...

referring to mr. bherng's, 'move forward' it ain't easy at all.

dreams just make you feel a little better before the reality snaps right in your face. that's when the pinch really hammers in. *hugs*

Rabbit said...

You know I am not good in words. *hugs* Thats the least i can give you.

k0k s3n w4i said...

If there's a Spartan, inside me - it must a teetchy lil' fella. I can't seem to find him, LOL

@baby sa
We're always a little helpless in these sort of things, aren't we?

Thanks, mate.

Speechless huh? Me too.

But he did get the wrong house, didn't he?

The nail on the head as usual, Mel.

There's nothing 'least' about that. And you're as good as any with words - that's y I read your blog; your cheerfulness is infectious.

*E-hugs back to everyone who had E-hugged me

sXydeViL said...

Take care dude... =)

I feel it too whenever i see her... don't ask me why...

Anywayz, u really gotta stop feeling haunted by ur past... aint easy but life is life after all eh..?

k0k s3n w4i said...

well, I won't ask why. but I'd like to know what (what you feel, that is)

You really gotta teach me how to stop dreams from coming. Then I can stop, hsha.

sXydeViL said...

U see, I am someone who stand strong on my own principal. I despise people who toyed with love+affection and taking it for granted. (ok, im not kutuk-ing her, just something in general) >.<

So, when i hear stories like urs, it triggers my dissatisfaction... Plus all the sappy crappy history ive had lar... XD

Yeap, it is just plain miserable to already lose someone. And u get the double dose of ache when seeing dat someone with another person. That juz sux eh...

Nothing much u can do... I guess the best way is to keep urself busy? Coz "To cure an addiction, one got to indulge in another..."

=) Heres hoping u to get a new addiction!

Btw, nice design of MMMC t-shirt.

k0k s3n w4i said...

Taking love and affection for granted. Then you should hate me instead. It was my bad, really.

I just didn't know it that it's so terrifying to lose someone forever.

But hey, thanks for dropping by and talking to me. You should really see Zairul's design (if he's doing one, that is). I don't quite like mine (though I'm printing the gun version one for myself)

sXydeViL said...

HAHA! dats cool! u mind printing dat for me? im DEAD SERIOUS! I love dat more den the one u sent in for the t-shirt!

Well, dont cry over spilt milk den... a lesson to be learnt... If love still lingers, she will come back... If love is pure, she will return to u... But dat is if u have gone thru much punishment eh?

nah.. dont place ur hope to high though... TC!

AND I WANT DAT T-shirt! I will proudly wear it around. XD