My Class Has SAP

"... and in this box right here is where you write warnings and precautions to be exercised when taking this drug. For example, if the drug you prescribed is known to cause addiction, you can write "Do not get addicted" there."

Dr. Sachidananda Adiga, Associate Professor of Pharmacology,
in a lecture on writing prescriptions

"LOL!" *then abruptly stopped after realising that no one else is laughing*

Me

Was I the only one who found that funny?

We are living in a terrifying world and age; one known for pandemic bogeymen, and their massive media over-sensationalism that threw the world’s population into terrifying episodes of global panic crises. We remember the SARS¹ plague, and the hideous fashion trend of face-masks it started (and yeah, it killed some 800 people too). Then, there’s the H5N1² scare, the freaky incidence of a highly pathogenic virus making a species infective crossover from birds to hominid birdbrains - which is still out there killing some 75 people per year, with the numbers still rising resiliently. And worse, it’s killing the McNuggets chickens too.

The true threat of these pernicious bugs lies in their effective capabilities of really ‘getting around’. Take the H5N1 for example; which had practically hit every side of the globe at some time or other borne by the wings of infected wild-birds (and the worldwide phenomenon of KFC Party Buckets). The other viruses which cannot hitch rides from our feathered friends can always fly economy. One man who caught a caseload of SARS in Beijing can infect half the plane he takes to UK, infect some random number of strangers in the airport there, then infect another few dozen more on his exchange flight to the USA. Then, all of that man’s new-found SARS buddies would then spread the love wherever they go next; which is anywhere between Antarctica and the North Pole. After that, their SARS buddies would… well… I’m pretty sure you got the picture. Let’s hear it for global air travel!

The world’s people now wait with breaths bated for the next superflu to hit – and I think I’ve found it.

Introducing SAP, the newest killer epidemic currently running its rampant course through my lovable classmates of Batch 18 of Melaka-Manipal Medical College. The scariest thing is, we have no idea where it came from or how it’s transmitted between infected individuals (though we suspect a rather extensive involvement of the maturity of the brains of the stricken). Patients present some or all of these symptoms;

• Hair-styles that offend the lecturers (which includes dyeing, bleaching, bizarre do’s, and length on some boys that would put Cap’n Jack Sparrow’s butt hair to shame).
• T-shirts, or Polo necks.
• Sandals/slippers/clogs
• Jeans.

Shaki’s bloody peeper caused by SAP³.

SAP stands for Severe Attitude Problem.

The standard treatment administered for cases of SAP includes the Dean’s plea for our cooperation and maturity to comply with the dress-code, to not mar the impression of outsiders on our college, and to start acting like the professional medical students that we are suppose to be. Alternatively, the Dean had also tried the ‘threat’ treatment, stating that sufferers of SAP who refuse to comply with the demands of the college would be sent out of the lecture hall in disgrace. Some patients of SAP responded positively to treatment but sadly, the majority of them are apparently suffering from a more vicious strain of SAP; the SAP2 (Severe Acute Persistent Self-destructive Attitude Problem), which no amount of therapy can fix.

Patients who contracted the SAP2 strain of the virus might also present an additional symptom;

• Audible protests to lecture extension and extra classes – and unmasked loathing for other students who actually wants to learn or ask questions during lectures by calling them show-offs, nerds or suck-ups.

I recommend euthanasia for all those who display this particular manifestation of the disease. They deserve to be put out of their misery.

We are going to be doctors someday, aren’t we? Is wearing jeans to class that important to you?


That opinionated jerk,
k0k s3n w4i

¹ Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (or Severe Acute Rip-off Scare; it only has a mortality rate of like 10%, you pussies).
² Bird Flu-lah. Since I’m going to be a doctor, I better start using doctor jargons now.
³ Okay, I lied. That was not SAP. It was actually the result of Shaki’s eye playing crash-cart with one of Randeep’s fingernail during a Futsal game. Had Randeep been one of those Ah Bengs that keep one ugly, long fingernail on their pinkies to dig their body orifices with, Shaki would have gone one-half Stevie Wonder.