A Survivor's Guide to Surviving the Indian Monsoon

"Enjoy the change in weather while you can because in a couple of months, you are going to curse it."

What a senior told me last year
about the monsoon season here in Manipal

So here it is again; Monsoon. The Big Drip. The Great Deluge. The Season of Never-drying Smelly Socks. For folks who have yet to experience this bountiful season of plenty (of water), here's what you got to mentally prepare yourself for;


Imagine the hardest rainstorm you have ever sat through in Malaysia - and multiply that by three. Imagine that rainstorm going strong from morning till evening till night - and through the entire night till morning again. Continuously. Wall-to-wall. For months. You are going to be drying your laundry with a 60 watt lightbulb. You are going to be looking at the big, grey, angry sky half the time tearing your wet hair out and yelling, "OMG, where the fuck is all this water coming from?!"

And if you are reeeally lucky, you'll get to experience one of the season's specialty - Horizontal Rain. And yep, it's exactly how it sounds like.

Some of you may not have scraped through last year so well. Some of you might not even have the first clue to monsoon survival. But fear not, because I am here to save the day! Presenting... k0k's top 10 Essential Items for Surviving the Monsoon Season in Manipal!

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1. A Sturdy Umbrella.

For the next five months, this is going to be your best friend. You are going to carry it everywhere like an extra appendage - because if you don't have it, you aren't going anywhere, my friend. Give those cissy, telescopic brollies a wide berth, suh, because the lowest grade monsoon breeze will flip it inside out in a blinking. What you need is one of those huge, solid, industrial strength umbrellas with a reinforcing alloy framework built into it. Bring a brick to test potential purchases when you're shopping for one. Use your imagination.

2. Waterproof Footwear.

An umbrella can probably keep the upper 70% (okay, 40%) of your body relatively, not-quite-totally drenched - but your feet are going to be practically exposed to the elements. Sure no rain can fall directly on them, but you must remember that the rain drops are going to be as big as 5 rupee coins. And when they hit the ground, they are going to splash hard and splatter over everything within a 3 feet radius. Your safest bet is a pair of Wellingtons (or more popularly known in Asia as Phua-Chu-Kangs). You can also try wrapping your feet and shoes in plastic bags - I think that will work too. Personally, I just wear my sandals to class (with my Timberlands and socks tucked in my bag so I can change later when I get there).

3. A Torchlight and Tons of Batteries.

The power supply is going to be cut very often this season - and the Manipal University Hostel generators are going to malfunction nearly as frequently as that. You are going to need this to study, eat, pee, shit, and hunt for millipedes that will start infesting your room (if they haven't already done so). It also doubles up as a handy signaling tool to send messages to your neighbours in case you need help killing that 8-feet-long cobra that had decided to bunk in with you. Learn Morse code.

4. Naphthalene Tablets.

That means mothballs in English, by the way. It's a nifty household fumigant. Just put all your clothes and books into one cupboard, toss a bag in (after you opened it, stupid) and lock 'em up. It's pretty effective in keeping those crawlies from chomping up your important medical notes and your stinky, un-sunned-for-months shirts. Alternatively, you can use Thirsty Hippo™ or other anti-moisture products. The problem is, there's more dampness in the air this time of the year than a couple of Olympic-sized swimming pool combined. Hippo™ simply isn't thirsty enough.

5. A Picture of the Sun.



You are not going to see it at all for five months. You are going to miss it. Trust me.



6. A Half-year Supply of Canned Food.

You will not want to venture outside in that weather at all - even for meals. And also, if a freak flood strikes, you won't starve. And if the power goes out, your sole source of entertainment would be stuffing your own face. Just please, for goodness' sake, remember to get a can opener. Once, we found a guy starved to death in his own home surrounded by lots of cans with bite marks on them. You do not want to be that guy.

7. Inflatable Raft.



Skip this if you're a spiffy swimmer.



8. A Life-jacket.



In case you fall out of your raft.



9. An Elephant Gun.



In case you fall out of your raft and you see a crocodile swimming towards you.



10. A Massive Poster of Kate Hudson Tacked Over Your Bed.

Of course, one thing you are going to notice is that the temperature will plummet like Jennifer Lopez's neckline at the 42nd Grammy Award (Okay, contradictory analogy, I know). Frankly, I know of no better way to get the old blood pumping through the old, frosty fingers than my sunny goddess Kate. Wait, on second thought, don't do this. Kate is mine. You can't have any. Stay back!

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And that concludes my top 10 Essential Items for Surviving the Monsoon Season in Manipal. Make sure you have Noah on speed-dial. If you don't have his number, call God and ask Him. Kthanxbye.



P.S. To all the uncool losers out there who didn't buy a motorcycle or scooter (e.g. me), this is your opportunity to laugh at everyone else who did.

Staying alive,
k0k s3n w4i