Saturday, December 14, 2013

A Hundred Days of Baby Darwin

"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories."

John Wilmot

Today marks the 100th day after Darwin was pulled right out of a bloody hole we cut into his mother's belly. Somehow, we two new parents with zero job experience managed to keep him alive and thriving for cien días with the absolute minimum loss of limbs (and by "we", I really mean "Cheryl mostly"). So far, he's coming along beautifully and is reaching all his developmental milestones punctually. We also have not seen any evidence to suggest that he is actually the second coming of Jesus, the Antichrist, or the Chosen One who would restore balance to the Force - but hey, it might still just be too early to tell.

Now, I know how clichéd it is for new parents with unfounded pride to try and get people to look at pictures of their babies and how annoying they can be. The following chronological series of pictures are not intended for you - unless you are Darwin, reading this post years in the future when you are grown and have finally attained the all-important life skill of keeping drool in your mouth. At some point, you are going to appreciate having these to look at and share with the people you love.

These photographs are also intended for my own viewing pleasure when I am old older, so I'll always be reminded how little he once was and how he used to think I am the most interesting, funniest guy in the world. Because I know one day, I wouldn't be.

001 Days Old - First Cry on Camera
Day 1 of life: Darwin's first cry caught on camera. He was understandably upset because they totally mishandled his luggage on the way here.

003 Days Old - Darwin on the Phone
Day 3 of life: Darwin's last day at the hospital. Here we see the evidence of evolution in modern humans. Even without knowing what a cellphone is, he instinctively knew how to put one to his ear.

004 Days Old - First Meet with Cat
Day 4 of life: First contact with Mikey. Not pictured was Mikey running for his life when Darwin wailed in his face.

006 Days Old
Day 6 of life: Darwin in a motherly embrace. He's still trying to get used to having his head up and his butt down.

014 Days Old
Day 14 of life: Darwin in his standard pose. I'm going to call it now - he's a rightie.

022 Days Old
Day 22 of life: More than a week later, Darwin is still stuck in the same pose.

028 Days Old - Face Regard
Day 28 of life: Darwin regarding his mother's face. And spotted a booger.

034 Days Old - With Mikey
Day 34 of life: Darwin bonding with Mikey on the beanbag. Mikey wasn't tolerating him. He was just too lazy to move his Ragdoll ass.

034 Days Old - With Sophie
Day 34 of life: Darwin reclining on Sophie. I am changing her name to Lazer-Dog and I am going to tell Darwin that that's her name so that's all he'll ever know her as.

041 Days Old - Squishy Face
Day 41 of life: Darwin squished against his mom's mom. Cheryl says that he'll never forgive me for showing this picture in public.

045 Days Old - First Smile on Camera
Day 45 of life: This is Darwin's first photographed smile. It is his most potent weapon against possible infanticide by his sleep-deprived parents.

049 Days Old - Morning Smiler
Day 49 of life: The first thing that Darwin does when he wakes up every morning is smile. Unlike his mom.

051 Days Old - Happy Pooper
Day 51 of life: Darwin loves pooping. It's like his favourite thing to do in the world.

054 Days Old - First Flight
Day 54 of life: Darwin at a Generic Overpriced Coffee Place while waiting to board his first flight ever to Penang. I remember the first time I flew, I was riding a bike when I hit a pothole, was thrown out of my seat and sailed several feet across the street.

058 Days Old - Toupee
Day 58 of life: Still bald like his mom was when she shaved her head for cats last year. Sorry Darwin, I don't think you can pull off having long hair without looking like Anton Chigurh.

060 Days Old - TV Watcher
Day 60 of life: Darwin watching soap with his maternal grandmother. Stahp! The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says no TV until 4 years old!

067 Days Old - Finger Lickin' Good
Day 67 of life: Darwin successfully gained enough motor control to manoeuvre his little fist into his slobber-hole. Achievement unlocked! He is now his own favourite flavour.

070 Days Old - More TV Watching
Day 70 of life: Still watching telly with his grandmother and improving his head control in the meantime. Just look at the level of concentration on his little face.

079 Days Old - With Hawt Mama
Day 79 of life: Darwin, out shopping with his gorgeous dolled-up mother. I wish I can literally pump calories right out of my nipples too and lose weight just as quickly.

087 Days Old - In Car Seat
Day 87 of life: Back in Kuching and in his little car seat. He quickly learned that he could put both his shoulder straps into his mouth at the same time.

087 Days Old - Noodle Inspector
Day 87 of life: Eating out with Darwin. He carefully inspects everything his mother eats, making sure that only the best ingredients are used in making his breast milk.

087 Days Old - Watch Thief
Day 87 of life: Darwin wearing my watch. He was smiling so slyly because he was going to put it in his mouth in a second.

087 Days Old - Reading 101
Day 87 of life: Darwin and I reading Farm Sounds by Joe Grasso (illustrated by Allison Rose). It was not very good. The characters were all very two-dimensional and the dialogues were uninspired. The plot was threadbare and I saw the ending coming from a mile away. It has practically no re-reading value. And the strong language made it really unsuitable for children - I went green in the face when the rooster said "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO".

090 Days Old - A Sibling Rivalry
Day 90 of life: Darwin and Mikey. It is a pretty one-sided relationship.

090 Days Old - Laughing at Telly
Day 90 of life: Cheryl indoctrinating Darwin into the cult of Barney & Friends via YouTube. You can see the light in Darwin's eyes going dim in this picture as he laughs and claps to the seductive songs of the violet velociraptor.

090 Days Old - Sort-of Bottle Holding
Day 90 of life: Darwin holding his bottle on his own and chugging it. Can YOUR baby do this at 3 months of age? No? I don't think so.

094 Days Old - Belly Time
Day 94 of life: Darwin lounging topless on the bed. What do you think? Is he diaper-model material?

094 Days Old - Bunny Lover
Day 94 of life: Darwin romancing his squeaky rabbit toy that his mom just bought for him.

097 Days Old - Ooh Shiny
Day 97 of life: Darwin supporting himself on his forearms when prone. He's also enraptured by blinking lights. Babies are sooo easy to entertain. I'm just going to give him empty cardboard boxes to play with till he is old enough to go to school and discover that all the other kindergarteners are rocking Xboxes.

097 Days Old - Sweet Smiler
Day 97: Oh boy, look at that smile. Fine, I'll buy you the Xbox, you rakish devil you.

097 Days Old - Tabung Haji Fan
Day 97: Darwin in pink. On the fan he's holding are the Arabic letters for the sounds of "T" and "H" (I was told). It stands for Tabung Haji, the Malaysian hajj pilgrims fund board. I was on medical duty at a groundbreaking ceremony for a new installation for the organisation and the fan was in the goodie bags they handed out to attendees. I think I was the only Chinese guy there.

099 Days Old - Skrik
Day 99: Darwin giving us his best impression of Edvard Munch's Skrik.

Just in case you didn't know, if you hover your mouse cursor over the picture, you can summon up extra secret captions via their hover texts.


The Second Hundred Days of Baby Darwin
The Third Hundred Days of Baby Darwin

Darwin's male parent,
k0k s3n w4i