Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Friends for Ever

"I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd
Need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side"

Avril Lavigne, When You're Gone (2007)


I finished writing my last post at 8.30 pm yesterday and it drained me – so much so that I went right to bed (Please; no comments about my sleeping habits, I’ve already heard every possible variation of it). Just before I sink into unconsciousness, I set my phone’s alarm to go off at 4.00 am. I thought I’d have a good solid 7 hours of slumber at the least, but hey, hey, surprise, surprise! – that turned out to be just another tiny bit of my life that refused to go according to plan.

I woke up at about midnight with a start. It was a nightmare. I could only remember the kicker – the climax of it – an image of my laptop’s LCD display blanking off with an explosive noise that sounded exactly like a balloon bursting. I’m sure that the parts of my dream leading to that moment were substantially lengthy (and possibly equally nonsensical), but for the life of me, I cannot recall the tiniest sliver of them. I do, however, remember that the first thing I said when I woke up was, "Fuck."

After an hour of tossing and turning, and screaming 'Fuck' several more times into my pillow, I’ve decided to 'Fuck it' – I knew I wasn’t going to fall asleep again no matter how hard I could try. I spitefully snapped my laptop out of its screensaver reverie and found out that Avril Lavigne’s newest album had finished crawling into my hard disk from the World Wide Web. Timely, I thought, and I listened to each and every song in it.



The lyrics of one song however, prodded me in a tender spot which bled often. In her voice, I recognized the same sorrows and desperations that have became my dearest friends of late. Right that moment when I listened, she was not Avril Lavigne. She was not the world renowned Canadian pop star and entertainer. She was me – right down to the last broken piece.

I felt a familiar welling at the corners of my eyes, and I gave up the fight. I was thankful that no one saw me, but I wished one person did. I put the song on loop, and sent the thousandth message to a number which I knew would suffer not to reply me.

Once, that person held my hands and made me promise that no matter what stands between us, we’ll always be friends – and she promised me the same.



Liar.


It rained at about 5.00 am, and I stood right outside my room, watching raindrops pelt the courtyard. A little more than 5 weeks ago, I remembered that she lay her head on my lap while I was driving, and told me just how much she missed being there – how it was her favourite place in the whole wide world.

I stroke her hair as she rested there with her eyes closed. I asked, "We’ll always be friends, won’t we?"

And she said yes.



Liar.

"When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?"

Avril Lavigne, When You're Gone (2007)



A million miles away from you,
k0k s3n w4i

12 comments:

michelleg said...

still depressed over 'that'. well it takes time.. get urself a new one! haha..

Zzzyun said...

hmm im not sure what is 'that' but i can hazard a good guess..

anyway i guess it just takes time for it to wash away. u'll find someone else that really understands u.. ^^

Rabbit said...

*huggies for s3nw4i*

*Hugs hugs hugs*

I give you my carrots okay? Don sad sad. Or u want my ice kacang? Or choco baby?

michellesy said...

Promises made can be taken back. Words uttered in the heat of the moment can be later denied. Fulsomely if required. More's the pity.

Sigh. I feel so sorry for you.

Five weeks isn't so very long ago; the constant reminder that she's there but not yours for the taking adds to the agony.

I don't know how you do it - the only thing keeping me sane after my break-up was that I saw him infrequently, if at all.

It still took me a week to be able to stanch my tears in public -on the bus, usually, where I had ample opportunity to be doing nothing (not even read, because I felt carsick).

The only other thing that helped was that it was a clean break (you were right, it was important).

Deep down I knew there was no going back, althought I'd briefly contemplated the soul-crushing option of asking him to take me back, that I would change into somebody else that wasn't really me - anything to rebuild the world we'd made.

That lasted one sleepless night. Literally.

I know none of what I'm saying will help with the pain.

You said before that timw would help ease some of the agony, but, I fear, perhaps not enough in your case.

Because everytime you heal a tiny portion of your heart's wound, it gets re-opened when you see her and her new paramour.

I am not going to offer platitudes - because the truth is it hurts like hell and for a time, nothing is going to help.

Nothing will be the same, nothing can replace your Perfection. All else that comes after her will be different.

gee the arsehole said...

hey kok.
u'll be fine. just take some time.
i've been thru those moments, and i know how it feels.

relex. relex.
by the way, give me ur add in india. tq.

Jen said...

its always like that, innit? matters of the heart never work out the way you want them to. 5 weeks isnt very long and i cant imagine how awful it must be to go replay that moment again and again in your head.

anger, hurt, betrayal, we've all felt it. only time will tell if you'll emerge from this experience for better or worse. hopefully, the former.

who would have thought, avril still had some soul left in her. i thought she'd sold it all to the pits of bimbo-pop-hell.

k0k s3n w4i said...

@michelleg

no one wants me-la. and don really want anyone either. So tired. So very tired.

@zzzyun

yea, time... we can hope, can't we? Thanks for your words; I wish you're right.

@rabbit

*hugs back* Thanks. I want Rabbit Shishkabob, wor. Can?

P.S. you're always so cheerful that it's infectious. stay that way, k?

@michellesy

You're a great listener - and i'll be hard-pressed if I am to find another of your like. Thanks for listening all this time.

At least, there was a chance for you to change and rebuild it all. Though you did not take it - my point is, there was...

@gee

Hope so, gee. I knew it was just as bad for you. Thanks.

P.S. I'll find out my address and pass it to you via friendster later, k?

@jen
If it's only phantoms in my mind, and not in my eyes as well... Hurt, yes. Betrayal, yes. But anger; I can't feel that at all. If you knew her, you can't be angry at her. It's just not possible.

P.S. bimbo-pop-hell, LoL.. My thoughts exactly. I did not expect that song from her at all.

michellesy said...

No need for thanks Sen Wai - if people listened to one another, the world would be a much warmer place.

Believe me when I say there was absolutely no chance for me to go back. It was very, very final as you know.

I suppose when the mind can't face what it has to face, it indulges in 'what ifs'. Me thinking that I could go back and rebuild it all was one of those: just a delusion, nothing more.

michellesy said...

The one thing I can assure you of is this: The tiredness will pass. That's the good part.

The kicker is: That will be the precise moment when you start wondering why the heck you feel so alone.

Heh.

I kept telling myself things would get better. It did. But it's not all daisies and sunshine either

Innocent^^Guy said...

well my friend...

erm...

you see, erm...

I guess i came in too late cos everyone have said wat i wanted to say...I just simply post something as to not lose out to your other fans

:P

baby sa said...

sigh...
build a bridge and cross it:)
that's the only thing we can do when it comes to this.

k0k s3n w4i said...

@michellesy

"whatifs" - they are like cocaine.

Thinking why i'm so alone didn't really help, tho. goodness knows I've thought of that enough.

@innocent^^guy

It's okay. I hear you.

And they aren't fans - they are willing listeners :)

@baby sa

I'll do that when the waters subside a little.

And thanks for dropping by!