Let's Talk Shit

"Shit!"

Edward John Smith, captain of the Titanic,
as his ship approached the fateful iceberg

"Shit!"

General George Armstrong Custer,
when he got screwed at Little BigHorn by the Sioux

"Shit!"

Me, in the Fourth Form,
when I discovered that I forgot to bring my schoolbag to class

Do you sit or squat?

I am, of course, referring to your defecation posture.

The throne.

This is a toilet bowl. Every self-respecting modern home has one. We use it 5-10 times a day on the average and indeed, this noblest and most durable of domestic fixtures had earned my utmost respect. I actually penned an ode to toilet bowls when I was in the Fourth Form. I'm not joking.

As you probably already know (unless you shit in the bushes on a regular basis), the bowl is designed to be sat upon - pretty much the same way we do while eating or reading at a table.

Rodin's "The Thinker" contemplating his constipation conundrum.

The problem is, sitting isn't exactly the best way to "go". As you can probably see in the picture above, the sitting posture would cause the puborectalis muscle to literally choke the passageway between the rectum and the anal canal (which is exaggerated when the sitter leans forward to "strain"). This predisposes the sitter to several problems;

• A greater amount of energy is required to squeeze the crap out.
• You feel as if you did not empty your bowel completely.
  
• Increased risk of damaging the nerves that control the prostate, bladder and uterus by over-stretching.
• Greater chance of some really bad-ass diseases (pun intended) like hemorrhoids, appendicitis, and diverticulosis (shit forcing shit-pockets to form at weak parts of the colon wall).
• Internal organs like the womb or part of the gut (rarer) may fall out from the weakened supporting ligaments due to excessive straining. Seriously, you really don't want this to happen. Imagine yourself butt-naked on a stretcher with your shit covered innards hanging out of your be-hind.
  
• And constipation, of course - otherwise known as rock-hard-shit or shit-no-come.

If you're a regular sitter and constantly have the feeling that you still have a lot of shit inside you in spite of crapping till you can't crap anymore, statistics show that you're a heck lot more likely to get colon cancer than someone who squats.

That feeling of incomplete shit evacuation is scientifically known as tenesmus - just thought you ought to know.

The squat hole.

The other "bowl" I'll be talking about today is the squat-toilet which is nothing more than a hole in the ground (which our recent ancestors used for "number twos") attached to the sewers with a flushing mechanism attached to it.

Of course, for those of you that have sat to shit all your life, this may strike you as being a little undignified. Those imperialistic white folks thought so too and went on to invent the sitter - practically starting the constipation epidemic that is running about rampant nowadays in the first place.

Cute Caucasian weight-lifter chick demonstrating the "squat" (weights optional).

In the squatting position, the puborectalis muscle relaxes and allows the angle between the rectum and the anal canal to straighten - thus, shit sort of just falls out pretty naturally. In fact, gravity may even lend a finger hand here. With the straining, groaning, oomph-ing and ooh-ing out of the way, all the problems associated with sitting automatically disappears.

In fact, other than straight out prevention of bad health, squatting also confers several other benefits;

• Your butt doesn't get splashed when your crap hits the water.
• Avoid contact of your butt with a potentially germ-ridden toilet seat surface.
• Reduces time spent in smelly public toilets (now, this is something we can all agree on).
  
• Seals the ileocecal valve securely, preventing backfire of shit back into your small intestine (I don't know about you, but the idea of shit in the part of my gut that absorbs food disturbs me immensely).
• Prepares mothers-to-be for a more natural delivery by strengthening those squatting muscles. Lying on one's back while giving birth is fucktastically difficult. That's why the water-birth was developed in the first place; water helps support a mother's weight allowing her to squat-and-shoot her kid out (usually even eliminating the need for drugs).

And if you have the time, check out this cool mockumentary on doing the more comfortable Asian squat (as opposed to its Western counterpart). If you're not familiar with either of them, you really need to take a look.

The pinnacle of toilet evolution (in my bathroom). You can shit. You can squat. You can take a piss or fart! Look! It rhymes!

The cool thing about some Indian toilet bowls is that they can actually make squatting a dignified exercise. When it comes to shitting, the Indians are a head above the rest of the world (literally). I just love my toilet bowl - I can squat on it, and still be far away from the shit-hole.

Give squat a chance!



Your friendly neighborhood medical student,
k0k s3n w4i