Friday, April 27, 2007

Ghosts

"All men whilst they are awake are in one common world: but each of them, when he is asleep, is in a world of his own."

Plutarch

By DeviantARTist, skim-mik.

I’m glad that classes are canceled because I honestly felt like shit. Today, all I want to do is to sleep the daylight away, waking only when it’s dark again. Today is one of those days I won’t mind dying in my sleep.

But I can only hope.

That’s usually how I feel being awake through the entire night till dawn. I loathe nights. Nights estrange the sleepless from those in repose and unconscious. If loneliness is quantifiable, then night will multiply it.

I believe that the human brain is nocturnal. Most students revise after dark, finding the cooler and quieter time of day to be more genial towards scholarly efforts. Night is the domain of writers and their quills, and of men of science and their numbers. Night is the time of the boogeyman and spirits with malicious intents, of fairy dances in flower rings and inanimate objects that come to life – multi-coloured figments of imaginations working overtime. But that silence – it allows those inconspicuous, low buzzing sounds at the back of our heads in daytime to grow to a screaming pitch. Trifling worries and menial problems can turn into monsters in that terrible, terrible silence.

And memories seem so lifelike to me at night. Old conversations sound as if they are being said right there in my room, and every bygone scene is a live stage act. At night, I realised this – I realised that the warmth of kisses can never truly leave one’s lips. Lying on my bed with my eyes closed, I could still feel them.

I tried distractions. I watched the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie but it was a bit of a disappointment. Or maybe I was just expecting too much. That’s my problem; I expect too damn much from everything and everyone.

After pottering about some sites, I took an online psychoanalytical quiz, and it said that I have a high affinity towards manic depression. I thought that was strange because I used to think I’m more of a multiple personality disorder type of guy (confirmed by that ‘Heroes’ personality test which said that I am most like Nikki/Jessica among all the characters). In fact, my ex had told me many times before that I am like many different persons in one body, and that she had never known the real me.

Who then, am I?


At 4.30 am, I watched another movie – this time, that Tony Leung and Takeshi Kaneshiro flick; Confession of Pain (傷城). I learnt three things from it;

One: Shu Qi is damn cute. I wonder why I didn’t realise this before.

Two: Humans are slaves of passion. We let it rule our heart, our actions and our souls. Sometimes, we would even let it destroy us. Passion, borne of desire, is the mother of all suffering and pain. Guess Sid1 got a point there after all.

Three: In the final scene of the movie, Shu Qi was trying to tell Takeshi Kaneshiro something, but he kept interrupting her by kissing her on the lips. I remember someone who loved me once kissed me many times when I was talking – and I gave up in the end because I had forgotten what I wanted to say.

What I learn from that was; I used to love nights.

I used to love staying awake at night.


The insomniac,
k0k s3n w4i

1 My personal moniker for Buddha. Guess why.

8 comments:

Zzzyun said...

i totally hontoni agree!! nights seem to multiply the solitude and threaten to overwhelm us with it.

i dunno why. is it that all is quiet except for the fluttering of the heart and the inner drilling of the mind? probably.

nights are also a very good time to write emo posts. emo emo...

michellesy said...

The eternal question, the eternal search for self.

As a fellow insomniac, I concur - everything seems louder at night, even the thoughts in your head.

But neither night nor hypomania need detract from your writing.

IMHO, silence clarifies thoughts; echoes act as the most impartial of critics.

As for the odd hypomanic burst of activity? Productive indeed. There is much speculation amongst academia that the greatest works of art were given to the world by artists gripped in the throes of hypomania - Byron and Beethoven comes to mind.

Of course I'm not advocating that every aspiring writer attempt to wish bipolar disorder upon themselves. That would be a cursed existence indeed 0_o

Neither am I suggesting that silence which is deafening, and sadly, too conducive to replays of the past is good for you (or your mental state either).

You miss her, it's so obvious - even a casual passerby could diagnose your malady with unerring accuracy.

It is a heavy burden to carry around, too heavy perhaps, with no family or friends to share the load.

Do you find writing cathartic? Any avenue of release if better than none.

Hope you feel better soon.

ps: You must be mighty chummy with the great one to be calling Siddharta by his nickname eh? =)

k0k s3n w4i said...

@zzzyun
That's why humans get married and sleep on the same bed together every night. :)

@michellesy
You heard of that old chestnut; So near, yet so far? (of course you have, I'm just being silly).
I really dislike cliches... and more so when I'm living them. It's a terrible torture to see what you love and cannot touch every single day.

If only writing can drain the things I wrote out of me... if only... But nay, writing creates little mementos of emotions and moments - so I won't forget them.

ps: Sid's like my idol. He escaped the system and stuck it to the Man. How rad is that?

pss: reading your comments is doing wonders to my vocab. ;p

Zzzyun said...

well i agree with k0k.

altho writing abt emo stuff can make me feel better, it wont make them go away. but at least, i've lighten my burden by a little.

and yes, since i seemed to suffer from a super-forgetful-almost-amnesiac memory, it's better i write them down in case i forget anytime soon.

michellesy said...

That's a terrible thing to have to live with - proximity certainly multiplies the torture by far.

For some reason I thought she wasn't in Manipal, but in Malaysia *frowns* Silly me.

ps: May I say I feel the same when I read your blog? =)

k0k s3n w4i said...

@zzzyun
If we forget, we'll never learn, won't we? Keep your quill sharp!

@michellesy
Hw if you throw into the mix that she has a new bf now?

ps: you may, obviously. that's flattering. ;)

michellesy said...

I surmised as much - how the things that you write make much more sense now =(

Because from what I know (gleaned from this blog obviously), you, feeling like you do about her, would never stop trying.

Her having a new bf would certainly halt your efforts in its tracks though.

Sigh.

It's hard isn't it? What else can you do but avert your eyes and walk on by?

k0k s3n w4i said...

@michellesy
None at all. Sadly.