Saturday, April 14, 2007

Friday the Thirteenth


“Yes.”

An answer I need, and never wanted

Have you ever felt like crying in a very public place, and the only place you could find a speck of privacy was in a cubicle, on a toilet seat? In front of you is a flimsy door – your only barrier from rest of the world that isn’t crying along with you. It shouldn’t matter, but strangely it does. You’d ask yourself why you were crying alone, and the answer only made you cry harder.

Then you walked half a mile home with your head hung low because you’re afraid – ashamed – that strangers would see your tear-streaked face. Is it so wrong to want to throw your head back and scream and scream till your voice is lost? It shouldn’t, but yet it is. You know you can’t do that because this time, there’s no one here to hold you - and there's no one to tell you that "It’s okay to cry and let it out".

The eve of St. Valentine's Day of 2004 was a Friday. I just realised that today is also a Friday the thirteenth. I cried that day in 2004 because it was the best darn day of my entire life. I cried tonight because it was the worst.

On both the occasions, I asked two very different questions - and on both times, I already knew the answers before I've heard them. Both answers were the same.

"Yes."



Of the many maladies that plague the lives of men, there is none deadlier than obsession – of which, stupidity is the cause, insanity the symptom, and despair an inadvertent eventuality. Am I able to examine my own words and actions and pronounce, with confidence, that I am not obsessive?

I find that I am able and ironically, that itself is a sign of obsession. It's denial.

Obsession is free from the limits of reason. Obsession can reduce me to a weeping ninny on a toilet seat, cursing God and all of creation. Obsession would have me howl like a madman on the streets and yet, no shame can reproach me – and all for an answer which was once promised and yet, was not given to me.

I have to ask myself, what is the worth of an answer I already know? And as it turned out;

"More than all the worlds together."



Terminal,
k0k s3n w4i

5 comments:

innshan said...

Cherish that moment,
but live in present.
Go search for other forms of happiness. Try not to be so harsh on yourself; no point.

Smile. They'll always be supportive people around.

michellesy said...

that was one hell of a sucker punch to the gut, poor thing =(

i think i might be able to hazard a guess at what happened and none of what i am surmising is good.

why do relationships have to be hell?

good god, don't worry your head about all that friendster crap right now, i didn't read this post before i replied to your comment in Flava 2007.

you go and do whatever it is makes you feel better: bawl if you need to, or sleep, or listen to raging headbanging shit. feel better soon.

k0k s3n w4i said...

@innshan
If I tell you that what you said help, I'll be lying and am obviously showing you no respect.

Because I do respect you, I have to tell you that your words did not help.

But thanks. :)

michellesy
I've been weaned off raging headbanging shit since I'm 15. But strangely, that old ditty by aussie band Bachelor Girl's "Buses and Trains" seem to have picked me up a lil'.

innshan said...

Well, at least you still can see her once in a while.
In my case, she totally shut off all the ways for me to reach her. She blocked me; in her msn, skype, yahoo msgr. What did i do wrong to deserve this. I'm really hurt. Since you are writing on something with the same theme, i guess it's fine for me to shit here. I need listener. Thank you, k0k.

P.S. don't worry bout my 1st comment. I'm trying to convince myself too...just too hard. Speech is easier than action.
When you fall in love; a really deep one, you'll sunk deeper when you encounter such thing. It's not as easy as it seems. Now i understand what is to love, what is to be broken.
Cheers anyway...

k0k s3n w4i said...

@innshan
It's a blessing not to see, really. Between the two evils, I'll take yours. Honest.