The Potter Plot Poppers

"Okay, okay, here's the plan. You pick up the 7th Potter book from the bookshop at 10 am and finish it by evening - and I'll get the book from you at that time. Before then, I'll lock myself in my room, turn off my cell phone, and stay offline so no one can spoil it for me."

Me

"No one, yes. Except me - when I pass the book to you."

Shaki

If you do that, I swear I will hunt you down like an animal and spoil every book you choose to pick up, every movie you want to watch, and every surprise birthday party planned for you! You'll never ever be surprised again! That's a promise!"

Me

Of all the crimes perpetrated by dastardly people in this sick, depraved world, there is none more despicable than child-molestation, wearing socks with sandals and the act of spoiling books for others - and I deem the last to be the most disgusting of the three because I am in constant danger of being a victim, considering the amount of books I read every year.

Fake links, MSN nicknames, harmless-looking SMS, anonymous blog comments, loaded e-mails prank calls, Indian smoke signals - these are the weaponry employed by the spoiler bastards (yes, I call them that) during the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince worldwide publishing event. Fortunately, I managed to finish reading the book right before the spoiler fest reached a screaming pitch. I did it by reading it during my sister's bedtime, all through the night till the next morning - carefully avoiding human, spiritual and telecommunicational contact with every sentient being in existence (which I achieved by locking myself in my bedroom with a can of Pringles and a carton of Peelfresh guava juice).

This time, my plan is this. I will not visit any blogs or read any of my comments, or for that matter, go online at all. That's right, I will not be available on the internet on Saturday so don't bother looking. I will also be absent from my house in Acharya Compound the entire day, being away in Mangalore to catch the latest Potter flick (and my phone's not coming with me, by the way). After which, I will sneak back to Manipal in the evening to Shaki's apartment, collect Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from him, and hide in my room till I finish reading the book. Almost foolproof. Woe betide any fool who attempts to test its proofness. Lots of woe. Mega-woe. I kid you not.

In fact, the spoiler fest have already started. I received a PDF file some months ago in my mail which was supposed to be the draft of the 7th Potter book. I read the first page and chucked it away on the spot - the ludicrously abominable writing style nearly made me vomit my spleen out. There was no way Rowling could suck this much. It was very clearly a fan-fiction, and an atrociously badly-written one at that.

Several blogs I frequent have already received anonymous comments betraying the details of the plot of the The Deathly Hallows (which was why I stopped blog-hopping for a stint). Luckily, I am perfectly capable of 'phasing out' as soon as I recognize them for what they are - it's like, "yes, I read a bit of it, but it totally did not register at all." I acquired that skill from sitting out boring lecture classes.

Of course, these 'spoilers' might very well turn out to be fakes, but I'm taking no chances - no sirree. Back in 2005, a scanned page of The Half Blood Prince circulated on the internet, detailing the death of Dumbledore at Snape's hand. Fans dismissed it as a hoax - and some even said that it was an exceptionally lousy hoax because, as they insisted, Rowling "could not write such crap". It turned out to be genuine, and the said fans were left feeling pret-ty stupid.



My sister is buying the book in Malaysia and so, buying one for myself here would be silly - and would make a filthy, stinking, reeking rich Rowling even filthier.

Besides, I'm not really that big a fan of Rowling's writing or Harry Potter anyway.

No, really.

But since I consider myself to be a first-class bibliophile, I cannot be true to myself without feeling the buzz of the greatest, biggest, flashiest publication event in history along with the rest of the rabble muggle world.

Yes, it is. The Greatest.

Not too shabby, I think, considering that it's just a kid's book.



P.S. I hope Harry dies. I can't stand him.



Going offline now,
k0k s3n w4i