Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Worst Drink I Ever Forced Down

"If you drink lots of buttermilk your stomach gets full. So in the olden days this is how people used to eat."

Sudesha, old Indian farmer


This ain't olden days no more, Grandpa.


It goes under the incredibly misleading name of buttermilk because it doesn't taste anything like milk or butter. Wait, that's an understatement - it doesn't even taste remotely like something meant for human consumption! They should warn unsuspecting Chinese Malaysian wayfarers against ordering it, maybe a sticker like on cigarette boxes that says "Quaffing of this beverage may make you not want to live anymore".

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Glassful of Suck.

It's as sour as my socks after I jogged in them for three whole hours everyday, eleven days a week, and then marinated in unripe lime juice for a month. Beneath the tartness, there was a strong hint of some sort of spice - and when I belched, the overpowering aftertaste of murukku or chakli flooded my mouth.

The most unpleasant bit was those green bits you can see sticking on the inner sides of the glass. I've no idea what they used to be but they taste just like shredded grass. Not pot, but real grass! The type that fat four-legged animals that have horns and fart a lot like to eat! In fact, they taste so vile that the sourness was reduced to just a vague afterthought. Chlorophyll-flavoured fermented dairy byproduct is sooo not my thing. If it's true that things that are good for our health taste shitty, I bet I'm all strapped and set to live right up to the ripe age of 150 now.

After the first sip, I screwed up my face in such intense agony you'd think a horse with spiked shoes kicked me in the nads. Of course, being the stubborn jerk I usually am, I refused to be beaten by this... this... concoction of instantaneous murder. Second sip - hand gripping the edge of the table till the knuckles were white. I gave Phoebe the honour of having the third sip and an expression of unbelievable disgust immediately surfaced on her face ("How can any place serve something like this?!" she cried). And I proceeded in like torturous fashion till only a half of the glass of buttermilk was left. Damn, I wanna see the bottom of the glass! I bet that there was a piece of paper hidden at the bottom that read "You're some masochist, dude". With my determination and fervor stoked to boiling, I finished the drink till only a quarter was left.

And I gave up.

I... just... couldn't... go... on.
I blinked stupidly and my eyes went out of focus. I was breathless and pale, and there were small beads of perspiration over my forehead and nose. I have lost. For the first time in my life, something tasted bad enough for me to not finish it.

If you never had it before - don't. Don't do it even if it's a dare. Not even to impress chicks. Because your face contorting as if a feather duster is slowly and forcefully pushed up your anus is frankly not a very impressive sight at all.



P.S. It might just be me. The natives probably like it a lot. I mean, they invented it, didn't they?



Buttermilk-ophobic,
k0k s3n w4i

9 comments:

pinksterz said...

is it made from ghee? :x

looking at the picture, the green thing looks like mint to me hahahaha!

yayy! k0k is PWN!!!!111111 ngiahahaha

michellesy said...

Euwwwwww, it sounds really gross - owing largely to your excellent powers of description of course!

I don't know about you, but those green bits are really freaking me out. Undigested bits of matter and all, y'know?

Lemony, you look different in this shot again! =)

lemon said...

i ws dreamin. ehheh ^_^"

Dr.Vishaal Bhat said...

The green things are shredded Coriander leaves. they spice it up with green chillies and asafoetida. The asafoetida gave the aftertaste of chakli or murruku. It's actually a very healthy drink, particularly in this humid environment. It replenishes you with all the essential salts. Yes I do gulp down loads of it. The ones you get outside are actually wateres down versions. Home prepared Buttermilk does contain butter and and hence is termed so.

Enough of that lecture i guess. Some locals do not like that stuff. So you needn't worry. Congratulate me on getting engaged.. And okay.. that's all for the day he he :)

Michelle Chin said...

Buttermilk? Based on Martha Stewart's description, buttermilk is supposed to be delicious...

Oh well, maybe this is some pirated version of buttermilk. God knows.

k0k s3n w4i said...

@pinksterz
The absence of butter taste pretty much points to the absence of ghee, ain't it? If it was mint, it was bloody talented at disguising its own minty flavour, I can tell you that.

@michellesy
Hyperboles are a specialty of mine -.-
Trust me. Those stuff doesn't taste digested at all. They are fresh. They were probably still growing on the lawn a couple of minutes before they ended in my glass.

@lemon
As usual xD

@dr.vishaal bhat
Asafoetida - I thought the "foetid" bit of the name was intriguing, so I ran a search on Wiki. Apparently, it's also called devil's dung or stinking gum. Figures. But you did confirm my suspicions that it's healthy.
I really got to pick your brain more on other Indian stuff.
Oh, and congrats on the engagement! I doubt the wedding would be done nearby here and that I'm invited? xD

@michelle chin
The Indian buttermilk is a different animal altogether. And considering that the Indians were already making yoghurt and other fermented dairy products waaay back before the westerners have even figured out that you can get milk from a cow's udder - I'd say Martha Stewart's versh is the pirated one.

Dr.Vishaal Bhat said...

@k0k s3n w4i

If you are going to stay in India for another 12 months than of course you will be one of the invitees :).

It will be someplace within 30K from manipal and i guess you will not be bored by the big fat Indian wedding .

k0k s3n w4i said...

@dr.vishaal bhat
Bored by weddings? Just give me lots of food and I'll be happy as a frog in mud. But alas, I'd already be back in Malaysia by then :(

sXydeViL said...

my first experience with it was on jet airways....

i thought the drink was expired until i saw every others' face was puckered up.