Saturday, November 10, 2007

How I Got Attacked and Survived

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect."

Chapter I of The Metamorphosis,
Franz Kafka


I was out at the back of Acharya Compound, checking out Mom and her litter of pups - which she produced shortly after Socks Mother's Day event. Her nest was nothing more than a shallow hollow in the red earth right beside an anthill and all exposed to the irascible elements of the Indian clime. During a rainstorm, someone had so kindly moved Mom and her li'l teat-suckers to a place with a more auspicious feng-shui (less feng and less shui).


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Single Mom.

Mr Good Samaritan had also thoughtfully provided an umbrella (a bit of it seen in the top left of the picture above) so that the raindrop spray wouldn't shower the single mother and her four pupsicles. There was initially 6 (or 5) to begin with but life expectancy for puppies here is kind of bleak. Only one survived the previous combined litters of Mom and Socks. Yes, death happens to cutesey puppies too - not just to overreaching drug junkies, terminal cancer patients and Saddam Hussein.

Then I saw this praying mantis swaying rapturously as if in deep religious bliss (it'd probably speak in tongues as well if it had a tongue) on the umbrella,



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"~!@#$%^&*+"

I got its attention soon enough. It turned it's head around and looked me right in the face (well, camera lense, but you get what I mean),


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"Ya lookin' at me, punk?"

And below is the picture I took right before it leapt and flew at me - and tried to kill me,


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*Roar!*

With a whirr of wings (and probably also a battle cry too high pitched for human ears), it landed right on my crotch and I tried to shake it off by doing a rapid succession of seriously sexy pelvic thrusts - I bet that must have been hilarious to watch but unfortunately for the rest of you, no one was around to video tape it and turn it into a YouTube meme.

It then quickly scuttled from my unmentionables to my butt and for all those that have tried to look at their butt before without the aid of a mirror, they'd know just how bloody difficult it is to check out your own bum properly. I'm not normally spooked by bugs. I'm pretty comfortable around their ilk and I once carried a praying mantis in my hands to the mess hall to freak Shaki out during breakfast - but a mad insect with sharp, pointy appendages going guerilla on my nether region is a big nono. Naturally, I started panicking and tried to shake it off. Please, don't ask me what I was shaking.

I stopped after a awhile, thinking that the green ninja bug couldn't possible have held on after so much gyrating. I cautiously ran a hand over my pant seat and touched nothing out of the ordinary.

Then I peered on my right shoulder - and the mantis was perched right there, looking as ugly as fuck and waving its lethal looking claws threateningly at my face.

I flicked it off, no longer caring if I might hurt the little creep. My beautiful face was at stake there.

It landed on a windowsill.


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"I seeeee yooouuu!"

I don't know whether it was because it saw me in the window pane or that it had a real bone to pick with glass, but it started menacing my reflection.

Like this,



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*slash slash stab stab* "Die now, bitch! Grrr!"

After awhile, it apparently got tired of that and turned around, finding me again,


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"C'mere you!"

I backed away real slowly.

This has been another meaningless filler post brought to you by me. The ol' Compaq is back but I'd have to reinstall the broadband connection thingamajig before I can come online again. Signing off from Shaki's girlfriend's laptop now (she's in Goa for the weekend). A Happy Belated Diwali to one and all!



Survived a mantis attack,
k0k s3n w4i

14 comments:

Elaynne said...

Hey Dude!

You read Metamorphosis? You can't be serious
hahaha

Anyway... nice post! nice to read something funny in the midst of exams.. hehe

Zzzyun said...

"but a mad insect with sharp, pointy appendages going guerilla on my nether region is a big nono."

damn funny! the way it was so agressive and looking for revenge!

do u know tat female praying mantises bite the head off their partner after they had sex? scary aint it? hehe...

Crux said...

The mantis was in deep religious blis and you chose to interrupt its meditation by pointing your camera and snapping photos.

You deserve it, punk.

pinksterz said...

i can't believe all i have been reading is about a praying mantis encounter. -___-

bevE said...

"The mantis was in deep religious blis and you chose to interrupt its meditation by pointing your camera and snapping photos. "

xD xD

*imagines the butt and crotch shaker*

*overcome with giggles again* xD

bevE said...

xD oh i just realised what crux said was half in ur post xD

Jen said...

it was showing you some mantis love! embrace it! i bet it was female. a random guy pointing a camera in her direction must have looked terribly sexy. lucky you.

beve: i almost died laughing as i imagined it!!!! XD

jayjayne said...

Hahha - nice post ~! What a laugh, the one that isn't laughing ass hard would be you as your did a terrified jig in anticipation (to get rid of it), aggrevation (as you could not get rid of it) and together out-right blinding-cold horror (it landed on your crotch and then evil-eyed you).

Nice quality posting! Good to see every-day horrors magnified on the intraweds, makes me day more bearable :P

michellesy said...

ROTFL WTFBBQIKANBAKAR!!!!!

*Applauds*

May I present to you KoK - praying mantis magnet and booty shaker extraordinaire!

Dr.Vishaal Bhat said...

That was wonderful... Cheered me up.. thanks a lot..

bevE said...

tsk. all teh fanbois and fanguhls.

xD

k0k s3n w4i said...

@elaynne
Haha, the only thing I ever read that's related to Kafka is Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami. Glad you're entertained xD

@zzzyun
I forgot to spray some mantis repellent on that day.
Ooh, I know that bit trivia. After the head got bit off, the body will still try to copulate with the busy-chomping female. Disturbingly sexy.

@crux
It still didn't warrant going after my family jewels. Bloody religious extremists.

@pinksterz
Haha, kena tipu.

@beve
Stop imagining T_T
And they aren't fanbois and fanguhls. They are readers! R-E-A-D-E-R-S!
Like you. Are you saying you're my fanguhl? =d

@jen
Almost died laughing again? Damn, you're unpawnable.
Females these days are sooo vicious. Got no respect for other people's nads no more.

@jayjayne
That's what people with a boring life do. Magnify the miniature adventures of everyday. I need to start doign something fun. Like wearing my underwear outside and fight crimes at night.

@michellesy
I think my coccyx fell out.

@dr.vishaal bhat
Ahh, glad you enjoyed it :D

CarmenK said...

Creepy crawlies. *shudders*

And pitiful dogs. Wish something can be done about them. Would be nice if people start adopting or not throw their dogs away.

k0k s3n w4i said...

@carmenk
I made a post about not adopting dogs if they can't keep it once. But these are strays to begin with. Perhaps a bit of spaying is in order...