"We are here on earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don't know."
W. H. Auden, Anglo-American poet
You remember Socks, don't you? Socks, the Incredible Supine Bitch;
Socks loves her tummy rubs so much that she would flip over every single time I walk by (I can't help wishing that I have that same power over supermodels and beach babes, though). But in the past few weeks, I realised that Socks is getting ridiculously rotund. I mean, she can't even lie on her back anymore;
I gave her a little shove with the sole of my sandals and she flopped right over like a bloated sack of wet cement. Seriously, she had been a really greedy bitch and I have caught her stealing Fifi's food from her many times (by growling at Fifi till she freaks out and drops whatever she's holding in her mouth). I have to shoo Socks away and close the gates to the stairs leading up to my room on her every time I wanted to give Fifi a bone or biscuit. She's just so tiresome sometimes.
Now that she's oh-ho-ho-bese, I find it an excellent opportunity for me to practice some hard-learned doctor skillz on her. Okay, I know I'm still only in my second year in med school and I have not attended a single Surgery lecture yet - but any old quack with a scalpel can perform lipoplasty. Worse case scenario; I poke a hole in her spleen or create a fat embolus that bobs all the way to her lungs and kill her. But those are risks I'm willing to take.
So here's the rough schematic diagram for the procedure with the postulated outcome.
Oh, there isn't a vacuum cleaner lying around so I can't like, make a small incision, stick it in and suck it out like what they do for them big, shiny Hollywood royalties - but the basis of good doctoring is improvisation,
Anyway, the operation was a rip-roaring success...
...except for one teensy, little hitch. The bits of fatty tissues we recovered from the patient's abdomen are... err... extremely bizarre in shape, colour and consistency.
They also squirm a lot and make real cutesy yelping and whiny noises;
This will redefine our perception on fat and flab! I mean, you won't diet and exercise these little fatheads to their doom now that you know they are alive and quite literally kicking, right? Liposuction will be made illegal. Before you know it, everyone will want to be tubby and grow their own litter of downy cellulites. This is the dawning of a whole new era, ladies and gentlemen! Fat will be the new fab! Watch out for my name in all the major medical journals - I'll be mailing my research papers as soon as I locate an envelope.
Life is amazing, isn't it?
Particularly new ones.
k0k s3n w4i