Sunday, October 14, 2007

Reverse Chronology

"I'd rather be dead than cool."

Kurt Cobain,
in the song Stay Away


Haha.


When I reread my recent postings, I sometimes forget that I am no longer in Malaysia and that my September vacation have been stone cold dead, buried and watered for two whole weeks already because of all my Penang and Malacca write-ups (I still have enough material to go on for about 10 more posts at the very least), but life just keeps truckin' on here in India. I have decided to take a break from my holiday posts and attempt to keep you up to speed - y'know, just in case you think I'm still lounging about on a Malaysian beach somewhere sipping Banana Daiquirís and working on my tan.

Here are some snippets of interesting stuff, semi-interesting stuff, and plain dull stuff wearing interesting underwear in my recent life - in the order of the latest news to the plain ol' mouldy ones;

Snake spotted in Acharya Compound

MANIPAL (Neuters) - Local resident of Acharya Compound, 21 years old occupant of No. 5, First Floor who wishes to be known only as 'Kok' was sitting right outside his door reading and generally staying out of the way while his cleaning lady, Aka, tackles Mission Bloody Impossible (also known as No. 5, First Floor) when he heard excited barking in the general vicinity of the spacious front yard where the tractor sleeps at night after a hard day's work scooping dirt.

The source of the pestilential animal vociferations was Socks and Mom, the unofficial guard dogs (and mooching pooches) of the neighborhood. The focus of their attention was a 5 feet long brown snake of undistinguished breeding which was slithering rather hastily towards the foliage near the wall. Socks quickly lost interest when the suburban skirmish turned into jungle combat and went instead to look for a shady spot for bit of doggy napping. Meanwhile, Mom, a veteran of a thousand play-romps, persisted doggedly in hot pursuit;

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Feinting alternately to the left and right side of the bush, Mom got our reptilian intruder cornered.

The incessant barking soon attracted the attention of Virapa, the stolid groundskeeper of Acharya Compound and Kok relayed the succinct but meaningful message of "Snake," to him as he was worried that the little man would just tramp right into the thick grass to thwack Mom with his stick for waking him up from his afternoon siesta (and would probably also get pumped full of snakey neurotoxins in the buttocks carrying out said endeavour). Kok even moved his right arm in an undulating motion and hissed for good measure just in case he didn't understand him the first time because Virapa no speaka da Inglis veli gooduh.

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Pvt. Mom (left) is giving a status report to Capt. Virapa (right).

Armed with a two feet long stick, Virapa (affectionately nicknamed 'Snakecrusher' by his drinking buddies at the Groundskeeper Union) waded fearlessly into the greenery and instantly flushed out the reprehensible reptile with an offhand swish of his makeshift instrument across the bush where it was hiding.

Under the cover of a service pipe and a drain which ran the length of the wall, the snake attempted desperately to shake off the combined pursuance of both Mom and Virapa, and for awhile, it was successful till Mom overtook the scaly bounder and confronted it head on, and thus stopping it right in its track in front of the stairway which leads to Kok's room;

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A face-off between man's best friend/bitch (left) and India's state-of-the-art, anti-rodent system (right).

Virapa, who was really trying to shepherd (snakeherd?) the snake to the back of Acharya Compound and finally out to the great wilderness from there, lost his patience and chucked a pebble at Mom to tell her to get the fuck out of the way. Mom promptly took the hint and made herself scarce.

The operation concluded in definite success as the cold-blooded interloper slinked right off the premises with valiant Virapa following closely behind - hitting the pipe and wall with a regular rhythm to drive it in the right direction; away. Kok, the insufferable herpetologist wannabe, comments that Virapa's method stemmed from the fact that snakes are as deaf as doorknobs and as blind as octogenarians, and are thus compensated with a heightened sensitivity to vibration.

Kok have rewarded Mom with a whole fried chicken wing later that night. He urges other Acharyans to likewise honour the hound with edibles (but no chocolates please because that's canine poison) and to think of something they can do for good ol' Virapa whose valorous efforts ensured that they enjoyed yet another peaceful night's sleep (while the poor bloke sleep outdoors with only a flimsy mosquito net standing between him and the elements).

Copyright © 2007 Neuters


Strange bug on drugs

MANIPAL (Neuters) - A strange spindly insect which vibrated "like it's flippin' high," was spotted by Kok, a 21 years old occupant of No. 5, First Floor on his windowpane as he returned from a neighbour's birthday celebration. He found the vibrating six-legger to be so mesmerizing that he felt compelled to stand out-of-doors trying to take a halfway decent video of it while a cloud of green, irritating, flying insects pestered him right out of his gourd;

Shake it like a polaroid picture.

"It's probably on some sort of bug ecstasy," Kok said with the air of someone who knows all about arthropod mood-altering drugs. "Just check out the way he waves his middle legs in that slow, sexy rhythm."

He reported that the insect was in fact oscillating at 6 to 8 times per second. When he was asked to disclose the means he employed to discover those numbers, he said as a-matter-of-factly, "I counted, of course. I put the video on Quicktime Player, halved the playing speed, and counted the head-bangs." Kok also invites anyone who wants to see the bug rave-dancing in slow-motion to just ask him because he is more than happy to show anyone who wants to see it, citing that it was "way trippier" than watching it on normal speed.

Copyright © 2007 Neuters


Birthday bash sets new birthday photo record

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The record-breaking picture.

MANIPAL (Neuters) - Yin Yee made birthday photo history on her 20th birthday to have the first ever known birthday party photo with all the participants either posing in front or draped about a small front-loading tractor (which, as reported earlier, sleeps in the main front yard at night). One of the merrymakers even gathered enough balls to climb all the way right to the top of the tractor to give a cheeky, double peace sign with his hands. The camera used to take this monumental portrait is a Panasonic Lumix, an unremarkable runt of the camera market, with the help of Vincent's tripod.

"This will definitely raise the bar for birthday photographers throughout the town of Manipal," said the spokesperson of the Association of Birthday Photography. "I am so happy to be alive to witness history being made."

Yin Yee and co. have submitted the photo to the Guinness Book of Records and a reply should be forthcoming any day now. Yes, any day now.

Copyright © 2007 Neuters


Chinese pizza offends local epicurean

MANIPAL (Neuters) - Disgruntled 21 years old medical student of MMMC and amateur connoisseur of junk food gives Domino's new Chinese pizzas "two stinking thumbs-down so low it hits magma." He is, as described in his own vernacular, "so flippin' pissed" that the marketing idiots of the pizza delivery chain would claim that the new toppings have "authentic Chinese taste in every bite." Kok maintained that the slogan is a lie and that Chinese people do not taste like that at all.

Another thing that stoked his ire was the promotional flyers the pizza chain released in conjunction with the introduction of their new oriental-flavoured fare;

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The ersatz Chinese man (left) is obviously the same person as the Indian guy (right).

He claimed that the Chinese costume worn by the man in the flyer to be horribly outdated though he must admit that he is amused that the Chinaman seem to appear maliciously pleased that his Indian companion is eating turd, signified by his stance and hand position - which is widely known as the "point-and-laugh" by every internet message board junkie worth his salt.

"The Manchurian sauce preparation is a strictly Indian invention, and is pretty much impossible to be found outside India - much less China," said Kok. "Don't get me wrong. I love Gobi Manchurian as much as the next Chinese student studying in this country, but Domino's is misleading a billion Indians here."

When asked to comment on the paneer Domino's used as toppings on one of their pizza selections, Kok merely threw his hands up in disgust and said this about the white cheese cubes; "Paneer is as Indian as the Taj Mahal."

The worst travesty performed by the international pizza corporation according to Kok is the way the counterfeit Chinese man held his chopsticks;

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An outrageous insult to Chinese people worldwide.

It is his belief that the only possible thing that guy can achieve with his chopsticks is nip his middle finger smartly. He insisted that it is impossible to pick anything up that way - much less a slice of pizza. He also opined that if the "scary men in Mao suits" from the People's of Republic ever see this grievous insult to their 4000 years old civilisation, Domino's headquarter will be nuked to the very foundation.

Kok urges the public to boycott the fake Chinese pizzas and advices anyone who would listen; if they want the real deal, they should take a hike to China for it - or just take a hike.

Copyright © 2007 Neuters




Kok Sen Wai
Ace journalist of Neuters,
the local newsgroup that is not a parody of Reuters

10 comments:

michelleg said...

very creative.. lolz

bevE said...

OMG I WAS LATE BY A FEW MIN T_T (eh?) *raises brow and peers into distant screen* yeahhhh T_T

sigh.

michg is too fast T_T

but anyway.

first post i've read from you in a long time that isheth funny. =3 =) =3 i dont have any constructive criticism for u though so - sorry. t.t

*wants cake*

pinksterz said...

i like this post! LOL!

beve said...

MRAAR! PERSONAL STATEMENT ALMOST DONE!

michellesy the homesick said...

Neuters eh? *raises eyebrows*

At least this is one syndicated news network that allows the use of the F-word XD

It's good to catch up with what's going down in good ole Manipal. But *cue sigh* I do empathise with how you feel re holidays (or more precisely lack of holidays).

Homesick as hell. And sick of what's passing for 'home' here.

Le sigh.

Jen said...

LOL! *dies laughing*

*or almost, anyway*

k0k s3n w4i said...

@michelleg
I try.

@beve
She's not fast. You knew I posted a new post long before she did. You're just slooow.
That's because I haven't tried to be funny in a long time.

@pinksterz
I'm glad you approve.

@michellesy
At least you 'home' there has McDs and other unhealthy-but-oh-so-good edibles. At least homesickness haven't bitten me yet. I'm actually just trying to finish my holiday posts before they become too stale for words (literally).

@jen
You're too kind xD

InnShan said...

I wonder if i'm really in Manipal:

1. Never seen a snake in Manipal
2. I missed the bday party
3. Never tried CHinese India pizza

Let's go lunch or dinner again sum other days...

InnShan said...

*together

k0k s3n w4i said...

@innshan
Sure, just give me a ring anytime. Their veg calzone is seriously not bad at all.