Tuesday, January 29, 2008

How Japan Killed My Childhood

"... with an overwhelming, surprising transformation..."

A line from the theme song in the video below.


No shit.



There are so many things wrong with this I don't know which I want to piss on first.

How many of you grew up with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as your heroes in your kindergarten days? I'm guessing that there's not many since most you were either girls at that age (I still hope you are) or haven't been born yet (I hope you are now). If you've never known the original TMNT stories, you probably won't be able to see how many shards of broken glass this anime version of TMNT shoved up us old fans' assholes. BUT DAMMIT I NEED TO RANT!!!

  • Is it a fricking law in Japan that any action adventure ensemble superheroes MUST power-up like Super Saiyans, or have their own colour-coded animal mechas that can assemble themselves into an ultimate boss mecha?!!
  • Is there not one person in Japan who knows enough English to NOT come up with names and concepts that are lousier than what comes out of my butt?!! What the flaming dick is Saint Mutation, the Turtle Saint??!!!! Anthology of Superman Legendz??!!!!
  • Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady is NOT, under any circumstances or mind-altering drugs, Team Rocket.
  • Shredder is suppose to be bad-ass! Fuck, he's the very epitome of bad-assery! There's a picture of him beside every entry in the Dictionary of Bad-Ass. He's so bad-ass he's Wolverine, Darth Vader, Katsumoto from The Last Samurai AND a durian (arguably the most bad-ass fruit ever invented by psychotic Malaysian geneticists) all-in-one! And they fucking castrated SHREDDER!!!

I was a genuine hardcore fan from way back. All my birthday cakes had to be Ninja Turtle cakes. My schoolbags, pencil cases, dinner-plates, bicycle, T-shirts and even underwear had Ninja Turtles on them! I spent every hour of my kiddy life pretending I'm Donatello, genius turtle who kicks ass with a stick. Now that's what I call childhood - not spent worshipping some retarded sing-along purple dinosaur.

Damn Japs. They invaded my homeland and my ancestral homeland, murdered our people and raped our women - and now they've come back perpetrate surprise butt-sex on my childhood.

For the record, I'm not into animes, which 90% of my Malaysian peers wank to and which my otaku sister is adamantly addicted to no matter how many times her insanely cool brother attempts to brainwash her. And I don't read mangas either, and I'll murder the next person who tries to tell me that they are works of art. I'm a Batman graphic novels fan. Batman: The Long Halloween is a good place to start if you're not familiar with the series - it's gritty and haunting with none of that campy shit you see in the animated series (and of course in manga and anime, 90% of which are made out of stuff ejaculated by rainbow-coloured campy fairies). Think Batman Begins, but with ten times the bad-ass.

End of rant. Back to the books I go.



Donatello,
k0k s3n w4i

15 comments:

pinksterz said...

let us sing the barney song!

I LOVE YOU
YOU LOVE ME
WE ARE HAPPY FAMILY!

lalalalalala. xD

mrbherng said...

I don't know if you realised that TMNT is an American thing? They live under Manhattan and not Tokyo. The original idea is from an American and the original comic is from America too. The Japanese took the idea a bit later and reproduce it after about 10 years of it's emergence.

calvin said...

you call barney a retard?
lolz!!!

*sing along with pinksterz* =P

bevE said...

HAHAHAHHAA

Team Rocket.

AHHAHHAHAHHAHA

Team Rocket.

HAHHAHAHAHHAHHA

Kevin Chan said...

OMG! i had no idea they had an anime TMNT! WTH la, super saint mutation? those japs are outta their minds. nice post. (:

Aronil said...

Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaa

That was farney!! But I know what you're saying.. i love Ninja Turtles as a kid. Leonardo was my favourite character out of the bunch lol.

That was pretty stupid haha it's just like you know how Chinese movies and Bollywood films have their own "must haves" hahaha... this definitely had all the anime stuff going on... Dragonball, Voltron, haha what else

3POINT8 said...

Awww...don't be so mad about it.
The japs are only trying to offer a different viewpoint on TMNT..

mrbherng said...

and the reproduction definitely isn't the best and wasn't the one that I had known off. certainly.

Michelle Chin said...

I watch only Trinity Blood. ==

michellesy, bemused by TMNT said...

Ninja Turtles underwear wtf.

Perpertrating butt sex on your childhood wtf.

AHAHAHAHAHH - I have to say I LMAO at this post even though I DO NOT AND NEVER WILL BE in possession of a single scrap of factual information regarding TMNT *wipes away tears of mirth*

Good one James!

Now back to the books OK - good luck for your exams, and of course, the same to the missus =D

jayjayne said...

Ah, the joys of watching (or not watching) anime... In all honesty anime kinda makes me puke a little into my mouth - sure the characters are cute, but as I am not a sick perveted, and not to mention sun-devoid male, of the 14-to-some-strange-sub-human-otaku-age-of-like-37 age group, I am blissfully unaware (or just plain ignorant) of anime bylines.

Although I do know for a fact that Japanese people are completely bonkers.

And I have watched the japanese TMNT.

Myself and my man have discussed the hilarity of hentai through - with the excess of gargantuan breasts and tentacle monsters. We laugh in the face of social constructs. That we do! ARRR!

:3

bevE said...

OMG no reply for comments! AMAZING. 0.0

k0k s3n w4i said...

pinksterz: SHREDDER KILLS PINKSTERZ!!!

mrbherng: I realise, and I've watched the 1987 cartoon plus the more recent TV adaptation (the one with Utrom SHredder AND played the Ubisoft tie-in games too. The only thing I didn't do is read the comics where it all began. I tot the title of this post would have indicated that :p

calvin: BARNEY IS A RETARD LIZARD!!

beve: You saw the video right?! Ugh!!! LOUSY TEAM ROCKET!!! I'm a bit slow in replying, doesn't mean I won't >_>

kevin chan: Japs have came up with some cool shit, like square watermelon, sushi and hentai. but adapting American TV shows is NOT their strong point at all.

aronil: Hong Kong adapatations of American movies, i think, is even worse than the Japs. Leonardo so boring wor -.-

3point8: They either didn't try hard enough, or they didn't even try. the latter sounds most likely.

michelle chin: Never heard of that. Is it edible?

michellesy: Thanks. And what kid didn't like Ninja Turtles back then? ur only a few years older than me! Gosh, what a sheltered life you lead. Did ur godmom consider TMNT as heresy and barred u from it? HOW CRUEL!!!!

jayjayne: Ah, a person with sensible tastes. How rare :p
I have never discussed hentai before tho. I rather just watch them (or read them as the case may be) and not think about them too much. Anything Japanese defies logic automatically. Too much thought spent on them may result in bleeding into one's skull. Not a pleasant experience. "Stroke", some people call that.

michellesy, sick of sunday school said...

Dude, IMHO the breed of kid called FEMALE probably wasn't as interested in TMNT LOL!

I do remember watching helluva lot of Jem The Rockstar and My Little Pony and Care Bears though - which might explain the state I am in now wtf XD

I am a few years older than you ok, by quite a few. Ack I feel old =(

And no, TMNT was rated as passable by Die Godmutter wtf. She didn't have much to say about my choice of TV programs anyway, mainly cos I was still going to Sunday School. How I could have been so stupid as to stick with it until I turned 10 I do not know!

Anonymous said...

Gals
You have got to see this. Obama playing on XBox. Funniest video ever. http://bit.ly/bllhx1