'C' for Cocking-Up

"It’s very disheartening to receive text messages from the Road Safety Department every morning on the number of people killed on the roads."

Datuk Seri Chan Kong Choy,
current Transport Minister of Malaysia

In an effort to reduce road tragedies and simply to show the world (again) that 'Malaysia memang Boleh', the Ministry of Transportation had introduced a new traffic light system that is more in-tune with general Malaysian attitude. The first of these new lights was installed at one of Malacca's busiest crossroads smack in the middle of the state's commercial zone of Jalan Hang Tuah;

'C' for "Chung!"

Everybody in Malaysia, from the smallest child to the biggest ah-bengs in their ultra-souped-up Satrias knows that a blinking green light means that one must floor the accelerator to the max in order to fly past the traffic light before it becomes red again and the surveillance camera starts snapping.

So, with this bit of 'truly Malaysian' culture in mind, the traffic lights will now flash a blinking green 'C' instead, exactly 4 seconds before the colour changes. This needs no explanation, of course. Everyone intuitively knows that 'C' means "Chung!", a Mandarin word for "speed like crazy f*cker" that had gone into colloquial use. It doesn't matter whether you're a Malay, Chinese, Indian, Sakai or Iban Laut; If you're a true-bred Malaysian, you know what "Chung!" means.

In case some people make a lot of unnecessary hoo-haa over the use of a Mandarin word, 'C' also doubles up as 'Cepat!'. That's some bloody smart-ass fellas they got hired in the Ministry of Transportation there - they know how to please everybody!

'C' also stands for "Chup!"

We Malaysians are also big on symmetry, evident from one of our most treasured monuments; the double-phallic-symbol of the Petronas Twin Towers. So naturally, if green is 'C', red must also be 'C'.

And if you don't know what "Chup!" means, you can do like what Dato' Paduka Haji "Bad-Ass" Badruddin sez;

"You keluar dari Malaysia!"

The standardised hand-sign for "Chup!"

Nobody really knows how the word "Chup!" and its hand-sign came about initially -but every Malaysian knows how to use it. Kindergarten kids would employ it to put playground games like "Police and Thief" on hold. Referees or coaches would use it to halt national football matches. From powerful corporate meetings to parliamentary assemblies, "Chup!" stops everything in their progress. "Chup!" is Malaysia's indisputable time-out tool - and nobody, but nobody questions the almighty "Chup!"

"Chup!" can even stop airplanes. If you don't believe me, you can go on KLIA's tarmac to try for yourself.

Hence, the Ministry of Transportation thought that it's a supremely good idea to use it with traffic lights as well.

*Cough*

And thus I conclude my theory on why the traffic light at Jalan Hang Tuah is flashing 'C's. The only other explanation is that the guys at the Ministry are incompetent horse-sh!t. But since we all know that the government is infallible and is NEVER incompetent, you are all forced to accept my interpretation of the event as the true one.

Anyway, what's even more interesting is that the countdown display counts this way;

9 ---> 'C' ---> 7 ---> 6 ---> 5 ---> 4 ---> 3 ---> 6 ---> 1 ---> 4

Malaysia Boleh! - don't you doubt that.


The patriot,
k0k s3n w4i