It's Just Me Now

"I am a man who would fight for your honour,

I'll be the hero you're dreaming of,

We'll live forever, knowing together,

That we did it all for the glory of love.

Glory Of Love by Peter Cetera

Who will sing this song with me now?

It's been barely an hour after he's left. And here I am sobbing at a 17-inch laptop screen like a lost little child with nowhere to go. I never realized I could feel so alone till the moment I helped him heave his heavy suitcase aboard the bus & watched forlornly as it rumbled away. This time unfortunately, I wasn't onboard. "Please don't go," I whispered to no one in particular. But I guess it was too late. It's just me now, I thought to myself.

I don't know how my feet found their way back to my room. But I knew as I sat on the bed, I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. Not with this alien sense of emptiness encroaching upon me. Every little thing reminds me of him. The empty space at the corner where his luggage used to be, his toothpaste on the table, the smell of his hair on my pillow & his Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I don't know how I'll ever be able to finish that book without crying.

I long for his voice & his fake complaints. The way he never fails to make me laugh or giggle with everything he says. I miss our dice games too. But I guess its just me now... holding on to fragments & slivers of memories of you.

You've asked me twice, "What was your favourite part of the trip?"

"The animals," I always replied.

But in reality, you are my favourite part of the trip, baby. You've given me the best birthday present ever. Thank you :)

Wants to walk again,

Ph0ebe

Happy Birthday Beloved

Dear Baby,

I have attempted several times to draft a surprise post & rejected almost all of them for sounding too stiff & formal. I don't think this letter is much of an improvement but at least it feels more comfortable when I'm writing directly to you. I do so hope I can have this up by midnight.

To be perfectly honest, I know I am not as nice or as perfect as you make me out to be. There are times when I can be terribly demanding & ridiculously unreasonable over petty things & I am probably one of the most jealous girls you'll ever meet in your lifetime. Even so, you've always written nothing but beautiful, sweet things about me. I love so much the way you always tell me how lucky you are to have me & I don't think many people have had the privilege of hearing that.

I oft lie in bed at night, re-evaluating & reviewing the way I have behaved & it pains me when I realize there were times I have tried to suppress you or intrude into your life without meaning to. I just want you to know there has never been a day I've never yearned to be perfect for you. To be the one reason for your happiness & to be the one to carve a smile on your face. I'm trying really hard everyday to be perfect without appearing too stoic or reveal the fact that I'm actually trying hard. It is a blessing to be loved by you. To be loved for all my flaws & shortcomings.

And because I want so much for us to be happy together, I decided to immortalize it in plaster.

I really did carve your smile myself *beams with pride*

Happy 22nd Birthday Baby! I hope to always remain a part of every single one of your birthdays in the future. I love you.

P.S I hope you can fit into the AWESOME shirt I bought you T^T


Flawed but loved,
Ph0ebe

My First Time

"And you, maybe you'll remember me,
What I gave is yours to keep"

White Houses by Vanessa Carlton

I remember vividly our primordial MSN conversations, peppered with cute yellow emoticons & mainly childish curiosity on my part. Those hypothetical questions you used to ask & I loved to answer. Those daily messages you used to send, asking me out for dinner so we both wouldn't have to eat alone. We didn't have lengthy conversations on MSN, but I think I mentioned to you once how i've never received flowers before & I always wanted to know what it felt like.

I like listening to your thoughts too. The way you express your opinions & tell me things while I munch & listen. And how I can share my love for books with you without being thought of as some lifeless anti-social recluse. With you, it always feels like i'm more myself than I am with anyone else. With you i'm always comfortable in my own skin.

You never tell me stray puppies & dogs are icky & I shouldn't touch them. You care about them just as much as i do & you understand that they deserve their equal share of lovin'. Long walks with you are never exhausting because you're company makes it all worthwhile.

That night when you walked me home & I had tears streaming down my face, I told you the answer you wanted to hear. All these thoughts came flooding into me & I knew then that you gave me a glimpse of all the things I wanted & could have. And all I had to do was just reach out & take it. With you, happiness is never far away.

You asked me once, how I knew I loved you then.

I think it was when these came knocking on my door & you touched me in a place no one ever did before.

Phlowers.

Missing him,
Ph0ebe