"Take away the right to say 'fuck' and you take away the right to say 'fuck the government.'"Lenny Bruce
That's the Film Censorship Board of Malaysia up there hurtling down to certain doom. Here's to hoping.
After waiting for what seemed like forever for it hit the big screen, Watchmen is finally here! I'll definitely be writing a fanboy gush and review (update: done) like the one I did for Heath Ledger's Joker and The Dark Knight last year soon but in the meantime, there's something else about the film (or rather, the Malaysian theatrical post-censorship version of it) I'd like to draw everyone's five-minute's worth of attention to.
Three words, people: Lesbians Making Out.
The scene comes in near the end, where Adrian Veidt (or Ozymandias, the Smartest Man in the World, as he called his masked vigilante persona) was seated in front of a wall of screens in his Antartic base which appeared to be broadcasting programmes from all over the world while his genetically engineered lynx, Bubastis, was lying by his side.
As you already should know, Zack Snyder, the kick-ass director who directed the live adaptation of the testosterone snack bar gore-fest which was Frank Miller's 300, also directed this. All of us know that the only reason he was chosen was because he was a great stickler for fidelity to the source material - so much so that critics have moaned and bitched like the moaning bitches they are that Snyder has absolutely no vision of his own as a director, and that his works (especially 300 and Watchmen) are basically screen translations of the graphic novels, with zero creative input from his side. His characters talk and walk exactly like how you would imagine their paper counterparts would. His scenes are basically clones of the comic books' frames.
In other words, he's precisely the sort of director us fanboys want when Hollywood wants make our favourite comic book, novels or video games into movies. Artistic autonomy, suck my dick, please.
Now, Snyder shot the scene in the frame above almost exactly like how it looked like, and slipped in this little Easter egg,
Throughout the movie, the Malaysian Censorship Board have hovered gleefully over our heads, truncating all the sex scenes, cutting the expletives and (most unforgivably of all), blurred out Doctor Manhattan's genitals. What the fuck? I have waited so long just to see Doctor Manhattan's giant blue schlong and ball sac magnified a thousand time on the big screen, flopping gloriously in every direction every time he so much as draw breath - and they blurred them out?! This is sacrilege, people, sacrilege!
Then the scissor-happy morons slipped up BIG TIME. They totally missed out on this frame; a few short seconds of a woman lowering her mouth onto the bosom of another and sucking on it in a TV monitor on the upper right corner. You can even see the nipple! Honest!
Shaki (the only other fanboy of Watchmen I know in my college), who watched the movie with me, didn't see it at all - and I suspect many, many other people didn't either. After all, if a dozen very attentive men from the ministry watching this movie several times over looking for boobs, twats, dongs and sometimes even kisses (yes, kissing offends our Eastern sensibilities too, apparently) couldn't spot it, I don't think many can. Which is why I wrote this post for the benefit of us all. I saw it when no one did, thanks to my infallible Boob-dar. Have I ever told you about my Boob-dar? My amazing talent of extra-mammary perception? It's related to my uncanny ability to see sexual innuendoes in anything anyone says.
Now, go to the cinema nearest to you and look for it. This is one instance of significant history for us smut-starved Malaysians and also for that department in the Home Ministry which no one wanted, but wastes our tax money by existing anyway. It's only a matter of time before the Censorship Board get wind of this and do something before our nation's impeccable morals are sullied forever by this piece of sweet, sweet filth. That's us. We are a weak-minded civilisation constantly on the brink of falling into utter depravity. All it takes is just one naked breast or a bare butt cheek to prod us off that cliff, to transform us into a nation of sex maniacs and whores.
I like to imagine that the guys they hire at the Censorship Board to look for naughty bits in movies are locked up 24/7 and aren't allow to come out at all. I mean, since they are exposed to so much womanly bits (or man things, not judging here) on a daily basis, you'd think that their minds have long degenerated into shriveled, drippy ping pong balls of pure id filled with perverse animalistic desires to take to the streets and to rape every woman in sight.
Ignore that. Here's the take home message,
For the first time ever, ladies and gentlemen, there is a boob, a nipple and another woman sucking on it in Malaysian cinema. Go watch.
P.S. Anyone else spotted this?
Down with censorship,
k0k s3n w4i