Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Tampons

"I have no quote. Po wants me to announce my presence. It is I, Beverly."


bevE




Today I want to talk about tampons.

Those delightfully small thingoes that help incredibly and successfully with nosebleeds.

I never knew what they were until my preteen years. Or in fact, quite possibly after those years. And up until a few years ago, I didn’t know exactly what they were. I always thought they were some medieval contraption – or some descendant of it. Go figure.

But at Sgang’s last sleepover, Terri told us about her newfound love for tampons. And to further prove her love for tampons, this evening she’s pronounced them man’s best creation. I, on the other hand, have different views.

It’s not to say I’m totally against them though. Let’s look at my first encounter of such creatures (and you’ll soon see why I think of them as such).

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Tampons. Hmn. Should I try them? It’s not something I would cross off the list of never trying once in my lifetime. How harmful can it be? But I heard some of them have chemicals in them that can cause.. thingies. Never mind, I’ll ask the pharmacist.

I gave no thought to the gender of the pharmacist. I was either just very shameless, or very ponderous over the usefulness of tampons.

-

Oh no. Where are the tampons? There’re shelves of pads. There’re so many pad brands to choose from, what if I don’t know how to pick tampons? Which ones are good? Should I sms Terri now? But I don’t have credit. Never mind, I can always choose not to use them in the future. I doubt one differs GREATLY from the other. The comparisons made between tampons can’t be that different compared to the comparisons made between pads. Something like that. Does that make sense? Never mind, I’m in my head, I don’t really need to make sense. I mean, I get what I mean. Who else is in consideration? Where’s Aunty Lian See? I need help with these bags.

Oh, there’re the tampons! Ah, I don’t have to worry much about choosing. There’re only so few to choose from. Hmn... If I go to Penang, and we’re at the beach, and I’m wearing my bikini and white shorts, and I get my period... I can’t exactly wear a pad. And the first couple of days are really heavy too. How do I choose which tampons absorb best? Oh there they are! Those little teardrop marks. They aren’t so different from pads after all.

What brand is this? I’ll go ask the pharmacist if there’re any weird side effects. This is a weird brand name. Is it made of rubber?

Oh no, there’s a guy behind me! And he’s not really ugly too. What if he sees me?! Never mind, never mind, I’ll never see him again. Besides it’s normal to get periods. It’d be weird if I were .. what’s the word? Menopausal now. Is that the word? Ah, he’s asthmatic!

-

I told mummy what I bought. She saw the box. “What’re those, Beverly?”

“Tampons. I told you I bought them. See?”

I could tell what they looked like to her.



Playtex

Gentle Glide



You tell me?


-

No period?? Why’m I not getting my period?? It’s been days after Penang! It was pleasant I didn’t get it then, but where’s my period? But I do notice that because of the weird length the red days normally last for the dates get pushed in between the beginning and end of the month. Well. There can’t be anything wrong with me. It’s not like I’ve had sex. Or anything.

-

Where is my period?!

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Ah. Period! No! Tissue?? Good. Maybe I’ll try those tampons tonight. But I wonder if Aunty Lian See has a pad for later.

-

Right, tampons, tampons... Where are you? There you are, in my little tote bag for Penang. Right where I left you. Playtex.. Now to open this box. Ah, they come in little stick shapes! Loose packaging. They remind me of Choki Choki, the chocolate tubes. I want one right now. This packaging is cute. I wonder what it looks like? Hold on, I’ll have to read this. The wording has caught my eye. READ BEFORE USING AND SAVE THIS INFORMATION.

God forbid. What if I get a disease?!..... I can’t be bothered to read instructions now. Any potential diseases? TSS? Pharmacist lady didn’t say there were any bad side effects. What the hell is TSS? Toxic Shock Syndrome. Bla bla bla... Wear panty liners to reduce risk. Okay. Sounds scary. Read symptoms. Will know if I get it. Symptoms very obvious and abnormal to my normal health. Okay. Will notice if anything happens. *imagines disgusting green gunk around crotch area*

-

So how do I put this on? I don’t feel like wearing one now though. I’ll just take out that one stick and see what it feels like, and continue watching The Hottie or the Nottie. Ooh, it’s a tiny stick. It’s thicker here and smaller there. I wonder what it looks like? It must have that applicator thing Terri was talking about. Ooh, it feels like a magic stick. A magic wand! Let’s wave it about a bit. Woo, woo.

This is spastic. But it’s kinda fun. Do it again! Woo, woo. Okay little stick, I’m going to put you down now. I’ll open you up later.

-

Okay... the instructions. Read briefly, skim it, how hard can it be? I want to try this thing. What’s applicator tip E? What’s removal strings A? Oh that must be the string. Well it is kinda the only string dangling. Okay, that’s definitely the string. Terri said when you take it out you pull on this string. *recalls Terri waving to crotch area with thumb and index finger pressed together on right hand with blanket covering herself because Bee Bee and I felt slightly perturbed* It must be that.

What’s small tube B? Of the applicator? This is stupid. They’re both small! It must mean that smaller tube. But they’re both small! What the hell is applicator fingergrip C? With thumb and middle finger? Who cares about that now? Where’s the diagram? *flips paper* Nope. *flips paper again* Nope. Stupid thing! How can this be so hard?! Should I call Terri?? No no, she could do this herself, so can I. Box.. It’s not here!! Stupid thing!! Read again!

Place the rounded tip (E) of the tampon applicator...

No this is the Positioning section, Positioning. Skip, go back up to Before You Start and Relax. No, Relax is stupid, it’s telling me how to squat. No, sit over a toilet seat. Stand with one leg on it. No, skip that. As if I don’t know how to squat. Lemme figure out what all this B, C and E things are!!

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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL THESE THINGS ARE WITHOUT A DIAGRAM ?!!?

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I’M GOING TO CALL TERRI.

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I’m not going to call Terri. I CAN DO THIS. IT’S JUST TAMPONS.

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IT’S JUST TAMPONS.

-

Keep telling yourself that, Bevo. Y’know what, let’s try a different tactic. Just open the damn packet and look at it.

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Oooohhhh!! Wouldja look at that? It looks so interesting! It looks like a capsule! A stringy thing, and a weird slit for an opening... What do they do?

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This can’t be right. It’s too long. And it won’t slide into this barrel thing. What the hell is this supposed to do? What is the barrel? Should I call Terri now? No. This little end is sticking out. Is it supposed to do that?

-

Take out the damn thing and throw it away. It’s obvious it doesn’t work anymore. Experiment with one first. Can’t hurt to waste one (more).

-

What a waste. RM 19 for a pack of 18. Wasting.. I don’t even want to count. (It wasn’t that many la, trust me. Just one or two. Possibly still in denial. Not too sure.)

-

So what happens if I push.. Oh!! The cotton thing is supposed to come out! Oh, it looks like a cotton capsule. No wonder you can stick it up your nose!

-

Ah I got it in! Feels weird... Take out plastic thing. Pull string until you feel resistance. I feel resistance. Okay. Panty liner. Just in case. I did it!! Wow, it does feel kinda empty down there.

-

It’s really heavy! Time to change. Where’s the string?? Ew, I don’t want to grope in all that blood. Tissue! Yuck! It swings! Like a pendulum! Like a mouse! And it splatters too! Gross. How do I wrap this up? Will the blood leak, will it be wrappable? I managed... *frowns*

-

Okay. It’s comfortable and dry. But I’m not ecstatic about it as much as Terri is. Why not? My period is normally heavy. I suppose it does give me some freedom down there. And it’s not like waterlogged or anything. But it still.. it’s just really gross when you pull it out. And so messy. Eheh, maybe because I leave it in there a little longer than normal. But it’s still gross. Feels like I’m holding a dead rat. Or bait. For something bigger.

But I might use them again. Alternate and stuff.


-

I suppose that pretty much describes quite accurately my first encounter, thoughts and opinions on tampons. I don’t have much of an opinion on tampons besides described in that last paragraph. It's pretty okay if you're used to okay with the idea of sticking something up yourself. And it is pretty handy and makes you feel a lot drier and more comfortable in between your legs, because it doesn't feel like you're carrying a run over animal. But it's a little gross when you do take it out.

I know la, the inside of my head is quite weird. I wonder if guys now will know vaguely how it looks like. xD This has got to be one of the most in depth blog posts on tampons, if not the only one. Have you ever encountered one before? :P

Original post here.



Have something in me,
bevE

6 comments:

k0k s3n w4i said...

it's STILL in there? 0_o

bevE said...

if i do, so what? T^T
u dun have to comment la just coz no one else did here

fubi said...

wht if u need to pee? won't u wet ur tampon string? >_> so icky

bevE said...

use tissue to grope there lor duh -.-

i left out bits i discovered after i wrote the post. n i oso thought it was too explicit =.= and so obvious la that u could use tissue when i edi mentioned >_>

FUBI said...

eeyer. stil gross. damp strings T^T

FUBI said...
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