Saturday, June 14, 2008

Virginity Sucks

"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue."


Back on the trip in March, during one of the 12 hours plus train rides we endured between the cities we made our stops, talking was the most logical way for us to spend our surplus time, and if you've ever traveled with anyone for any length of time, you'd find yourself spontaneously loosening up before too long - even if you weren't very close to them to begin with. You want to get to know a person beneath the obvious? Invite them along on your vacation, get trapped with them for a whole day in a moving train carriage and prod a little. Every human being, I find, is a full bag waiting to spill. Everybody wants to be heard.

One recurrent conversational topic was about love and relationships, something we all can identify with (regardless of whether we have it or we don't) . Somehow after a few hours, the topic morphed into one centering on virginity and what each of us thought of it. Unsurprisingly, views were schismatic - and are basically polarized into two camps. One is for it, and the other thinks that it's better to be done and over with.

One guy thinks that virginity is paramount and said that he will only marry a virgin - or to put it in his own words; "I like my presents unopened." I won't bother listing out his reasons and arguments here because (1) I am sure everyone knows what they are, and (2) I won't be able to reiterate them with much conviction because I - well, I have a differing opinion on the subject. So I'll only talk about what I think.

I think virginity is bothersome, pointless and meaningless.

I was a bit surprised by myself when I said those words in that train carriage chug-chugging in the evening through the Indian countryside because prior to that moment, my vocal views on virginity was one of conservative conformation. I'm Asian. Sex outside of wedlock is evil and immoral. Blah and blah and blah. It's funny how one's mind can change so drastically without one noticing until that mind starts speaking again.

I remember a friend, a girl, told me that she lost her virginity to her boyfriend, after holding out and denying it for many, many years to all her previous boyfriends. What she said about that was this,

"I used to think that virginity is something very, very precious, and must be protected no matter what until the day I get married. It's only after I lost it that I see just how worthless it is."

Those words rattled in my head a lot till it came as a sudden revelation to me that virginity is (or will be) just like my sixteenth birthday. I don't know why it was significant but everyone seems to think it is in some ineffable way. No one seems to give much thought to all the other teen years. Why not fourteen or fifteen or seventeen? Why bloody sixteen? I remember looking forward to my own sixteenth birthday, being all excited and anticipatory of some magical transformation of my sixteen years old person or some secret knowledge which would be telepathically telegraphed into my sixteen years old mind - or something! I don't know what. No one ever specified that. And when my sixteenth birthday finally came for real, I felt just the same as I was before I was sixteen. Nothing changed the least bit at all.

Like what I said in that train carriage about virginity that evening,

"Virginity is a lot like a person's sixteenth birthday. It seems like a big deal before you reach it. But once you're there... Meh."

I think that the concept of virginity - especially of female virginity - is terribly unjust. It is used as a standard marker of a girl's virtuosity or purity. If an unmarried woman is virgin, she's clean, good and loved by God but if she's not, she's some promiscuous skank who is dirty and used. I find that that standard leaves much to be desired. Say if a virginal girl is raped, what does it say about her morals? Is she still virtuous or pure? A lot of people would say that her virtuousity is unsullied because she never had sex till it was forced upon her, but is no longer pure because she had been violated. I find that incredibly insensitive and degrading, and this is precisely the sort of thinking that puts so much stigma on the women who have undergone such an horrifying experience - as if they haven't been punished enough just for being a victim.

Some would even consider a virgin who was raped to be neither virtuous nor pure! No shit! They still stone rape victims to death in some parts of the world.

Anyhow, I agree that rape really have no bearing on this discussion, but it does reflect a bit of just how most people view women, including the women themselves.

Discounting that, what about those who have willingly given up their virginity premaritally to a person they thought they love or used to love? Can we consider them to be promiscuous or loose (no puns intended)? Again, most guys do. I used to be just like that. I used to like my "presents" unopened too. I used to think that girls who gave up or would give up their virginity before marriage are sluts. It isn't until recently that I started to realise that if a person have truly loved a girl before, he would never ever think a her as a "present" - an object, a thing. I think all guys are guilty of this, at least for some part of their lives. Anytime the loss of virginity is mentioned in the same sentence as "dirty" or "used"; that's objectification in action. That's a failure to see a woman as a real living, breathing person - one who is capable of making mistakes at some point in their past.

Heck, I don't think I even consider that a "mistake" on the women's part. A woman's body should be her own and however she wishes to express her love, and that shouldn't have any bearing at all on any relationships she gets into afterwards. A lot of guys will disagree with me, with variations of the same old chauvinistic arguments which demean women. I believe I am above that now. In case anyone starts running with scissors with just a gist of what I'm aiming to impart here, I would like to say that I'm not preaching promiscuity or infidelity here. I believe that wanton or unprotected sex with multiple partners is bad and I advocate sticking with the one you love as long as you can. All I'm saying is that virginity need not be such a big damn deal.

So in summary, let me just say that I don't give a fuck whether the person I'm marrying next time is a virgin or not. But if she is - well, more power to her!

P.S. On a related note, some guys think that it is their prerogative to control what their girlfriends wear on the pretext that it's to
"protect" her. To a certain extent, it can be true but the tales I heard of some guys going as far as to only let their girlfriends wear formless T-shirts and pants - that's just another form of reducing a girl to the level of property. I think it's perfectly fine for a guy to dislike their girlfriend dressing in revealing clothes, but he ought not think that he has the right to prevent her from doing it. Or as a wise person (me) always say, "Just let her wear the clothes she like now, before she's too old to wear them."

P.P.S. There's this T-shirt quote I read once that goes,
"Virginity is a disease, and I'm the doctor."

P.P.P.S. So, a show of hands if anyone wants to hear my thoughts on abortion, homosexuality and slightly burnt food?

Pro sex,
k0k s3n w4i


gaL said...

I would be glad to hear your thoughts on the other topics mentioned. :)

Nice point of view btw.

minwi said...

abortion, please. perhaps homosexuality too. but not burnt food. oh oh, young hot girls dating old men!! do you think it's cos of e money o is there really stg substantial in e rship?

nissy said...

Bah, how i miss the days when everybody is so conserved on morality. I think the western culture is creeping at a scary rate to ours now. More teenagers don't care about their virginity anymore; you just don't know how big the impact is to a country itself. If you go to UK or US; unwanted pregnancy, abortion rate is skyrocketing. This is because of their "virginity-is-no-big-deal" mindset.

If this culture creeps into ours, i'm afraid these bad things will become a norm in our country in the future.

Anyhow, my religion didn't stop us from having pre-marital sex.

If the inevitable happens.
Abortion, i think it's all up to the mother. If she don't want it, then drop it. What's the ethical issue here? It's better that way. Neglected child and young mothers will lead to more social problems.

Homosexuality is not against my morals too. As long as they are happy, and not harming others. I'm fine with it. But pleeeaaasee, practice safe sex. That's all. Homosexuality is actually normal not abnormal. It's just less common. Homosexuality is practiced in animals too..if i'm not mistaken.

Slightly burnt food? Yummy. I don't know how it is related to cancer though...can anyone enlighten me? is it a myth?

specialhuman said...

If virginity is not precious, we might just give it to anyone....not only to the person we love.

I guess guys who want their wives to be virgin should be virgin themselves too.

and if u love someone deep enough, u'll not give a fuss about her past.

and if u love someone true enough, u'll want to be with her forever.

Ironically in reality people often love someone forever for just a short period.

Perhaps the pendulum has swung from a radical side to the other side. There are people who stoned those who lost their virginity - regardless of her willingness to lose it and there are people who are promiscuous enough to trash their bodies like nobody's business.

I think I'm one of those taking the middle stand. I don't condemn people or crave to marry a virgin but I don't think virginity is nothing too.

I think it's pseudo-freedom by superimpose the thinking that no one should care about virginity to everyone. To some, losing it might be a big deal. To some it might not be and whatever it is, we respect people making their own choices and own stands. and of coz, everyone would have to bear with his/her own consequences of his/her choices.

phingy said...

"Just let her wear the clothes she like now, before she's too old to wear them"

i totally agree with this. i dun understand how some girls (my friends included) can let their bf control what they wanna wear. to hell with what he thinks.

i'm wearing what i feel like wearing.

let the bf whine as much as he wants. its a freaking trap. when the guy knows that when he whines, the gf will give in, what kinda respect you think he will have for you in the future?

p.s. just my opinin. LOL ;)

qwertyuiop said...

Nice post you have there.


3POINT8 said...

Virginity is a disease, and I'm the doctor.
I like that!
Where can i sign up for a phd course on that?

Crux said...

Virginity isn't purity, it's lack of opportunity.
- At one time, the most popular MSN nick amongst my friends

I don't mind my future wife being a long as she hasn't been having sex more often than she should. I don't mind my presents open..but they certainly shouldn't be tattered and overused. Heh. That's fair, no?

AdrianC said...

what if i was opening my present, ready to claim it by putting my flag to mark it when somebody elese flag was already there? hahah

so are you loving her or just her virginity? in a relationship theres more than just claiming ur partners body or whose flag got there first. When ure really in love, you wouldnt care anymore :)

nyrac said...

"I guess guys who want their wives to be virgin should be virgin themselves too.

and if u love someone deep enough, u'll not give a fuss about her past.

and if u love someone true enough, u'll want to be with her forever."

so true!

"so are you loving her or just her virginity?"

so so true!

i'm not advocating free and casual sex either, but as much as society wants to turn a blind eye onto it, young people are having premarital sex and they can't do anything to stop it. what's more important is that they should be educated about safe sex and precautions that need to be taken.

and yes please! your two three four five cents on abortion and homosexuality!

ps: hot young girls dating older men? some would be for the money of course, there're real leeches out there, but then again i also believe that there's a fraction of them who are truly in love.

pikey said...

I'm looking forward to read your opinions on homosexuality....

ph0ebe said...

i12 hear ur thots on slightly burnt food T^T

hello adrian chan mun choy

senorita.. said...

1st,thank u for defending women

u have a mature thinking and i respect ur point of view... it's up to the individual really... it's a subjective topic and will always be up for debate

on women shud wear what they want,totally! (it's like some girls have problem with their bf watching porn... i'm sure the guy will not stop watching bcoz of her right? so girls shudnt let guys control what they wear too...! -this is relevant right?-)

would love to hear ur thoughts on all the topics mentioned, and also what minwi suggested... =)

nice write up!

senorita.. said...

and also,i really really think that it's pointless and stupid for a girl to be angry at her bf because she finds out that he watches porn... (???!!??)

no offense, just what i thought

Mun said...

Virginity. Once break, it's considered sold?

alicia said...

great post!
it's really unfair to know how those womans who lost their virgin before marriage get insulted or killed by mans becos mans's the one who make womans lost it!x(

and yes,a gal have the rite to wear what we like!anw,it's not tat we dun have enough comman sense to knw what we should wear and what we shouldn't.

i've nanged u!

and yessy!to blog abt other topics u mentioned.:)

k0k s3n w4i said...

gal: I might just find some time to write about those after I finish another post which I've been wanting to write forever. thanks :)

deborah: call me unimaginative but I find it really hard to see any substance in such relationships. have any girl, in her childhood, imagined her prince charming to be someone substantially older? but anyhow, there's always exceptions. I've read about this little girl who have always been in love a 30 years old man and when she grew up, he's already an old man. such a sweet story. n burnt food damn nice k.

nissy: note that I'm talking about losing one's virginity - not sexual promiscuity. there's a HUGE difference. The loss of one's virginity doesn't always lead to sexual wantonness. That line thinking is precisely what my post is directed against.

specialhuman: Firstly, this post is only about what I think, and I am not saying that everyone should think like me (quote: "But if she is [virgin] - well, more power to her!". The second part of the post deals mainly with respecting the choices of women who chose to gave their virginity up before marriage. My stand isn't very dissimilar from yours.

phingy: I sense that a lot of boyfriends are going to assassinate me.

qwertyuiop: nice comment you have there.

3point8: self-taught. faster go practise.

crux: perfectly fair :). I dun mind that my future wife isn't a virgin, but I can't abide her being a tramp. herpes and gonorrhea aren't very good wedding presents :(

adrianc: males are territorial. you see how male dogs piss everywhere to say "this place is mine mine mine!" Marking a woman like a belonging is just plain wrong.

nyrac: education is key. people ought to be coached thoroughly about contraception. sex is a valid expression of affection, and I don't think it should be something shameful. virginity and sex shouldn't be the symbols of love - which is just what the ritual of keeping chaste before marriage wrongly represents.

pikey: that would take some time, unfortch. I have another post in mind which I really want to write :)

phoebe: I tot u already know what I think :P they ought to have restaurants specialising in slightly burnt food xD

senorita: in this day and age, I hardly think that women need defending anymore :P i think relationships are all about acceptance, not tolerance (or rather, intolerance). I also think that girlfriends should watch porn with their boyfriends.

mun: thanks for demonstrating what objectification of women is :)

alicia: it's unfortunate that the same significance isn't attached to male virginity. the patriarchal mindset towards female sexuality ought to be abolished. thanks :)

pamsong said...

Do you see my hand up high? =p

senorita.. said...

haha... yeah. porn is so entertaining.. all shud watch it, regardless of sex =P

k0k s3n w4i said...

pamsong: I'd like to see you talk about them too :P

senorita: I find porn boring actually. the only porn I download these days are porn comedy flicks. being funny while fucking - now that's talent :D

pamsong said...


Uh... will think about it. You go first. =p

Linora 'Aronil' Low said...

that was a very good post :) and i'm glad YM linked you back. My thoughts on the topic.
1. I'm glad to hear a male finally admit that a women should not be subjected to being a present and should be seen for the human being that she is, with feelings, emotions and all that jazz.

2. I didn't want to agree with it, but i suppose in this day and age it would be called denial. Virginity... is not what it used to be anymore. But i do still believe that you should save it for the one you love in holy matrimony. The bodies we are given are not meant to be slanderously used (like that of those who just go bedding every single person they like). A woman and even a man should cherish their physicalness.

Overall i agree with your thoughts la. :) peace out man. Hope 'meds' is doing you well.

Pou Leen said...

Call me old-fashioned, but I take virginity very seriously- and as you could have guessed, I am still a virgin.

It isn't so much about being pure or virtuous. We all know sex is good, there's no arguing about that. But how GOOD can sex get when you have it with different people? That's an entire different story.

If I were to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend, who happens to be very good in bed, and then marry another man, who's sadly not as good, I'd be comparing them both for the rest of my life. And I'd hate that! I'd hate to be doing it with my hubs, and be thinking of my first boyfriend. Plus, it's not something that I could help!

So to avoid this whole awkward scenario, I believe it's best to lose virginity to the man that I will be marrying. Even if he sucks, he'd still be the best (duh.. he's the only)