Wednesday, April 02, 2008

You are in My Mind

"You think Yoda stops teaching, just because his student does not want to hear? Yoda a teacher is. Yoda teaches like drunkards drink. Like killers kill."

Yoda


And I, a writer.


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The train station at Udupi, where I departed from.

I consider myself a writer. As for whether I think I'm a good one who makes good sense with good words or a bad one who isn't considerate enough not to inflict myself on to the good peoples of the internet, it is matter of little import. A dog which doesn't know how to bark or wag its tail or lick its own testicles is still a dog. I am a writer, for better or worse.

I confess that I was, in the past few days, on the verge of binning this journal. And the reason? I have begun to consider updating my blog to be a little less like fun, and a little more like duty. In short, it felt more like I have to more than I want to. There exist persons who would do things they don't really feel like doing. I am not one of these persons.

But I am a writer.

I write constantly in my head, especially when I am not talking. Fortunately and unfortunately, my trip up north have provided ample opportunities for me to not talk. Our little backpacker troupe consisted of eleven people, and I have felt that I am the extra one which messed up an even ten. I remember looking at my trip mates when we were waiting at our launching station in Udupi, and thinking with a little start, "I don't even know these people!" That happened somehow, with people quiting the trip and people joining the trip, and more people quiting later who were replaced by new ones.

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My very first train and ride, ever.

I was talking about writers and writing, wasn't I? Well, I have not digressed. As I was saying, I write constantly in my head. This very post was written that day at that train station of Udupi, in my head, while I was looking at the strange people I did not know how to talk to who I was going to live with for a month. A fine feat it's going to be, I thought.

I think the reason why I write and spend so much time beating my thoughts and ideas into words is because... well, it's because I want my mind to be heard. I want my mind to be heard and remembered. Spoken words are noises which would linger for a moment in the air before breaking in the wind, but those written down, even if they did not make a sound, would endure. It is a conceit of writers to think that they have thoughts which ought to be heard long after they were conceived, a conceit which I suffer chronically from. I hope I will not recover - I cannot be a writer if I lose that.

The ten people who I own to be my travel companions have not heard my mind. They do not read my journal, and do not think it any great loss (okay, I'll concede that none of you reading this now would think of it as any great loss either). I remember sitting with them, and feeling quite invisible. They know nothing of me. I am a cipher. A name, a face, and not much anything else. I am bland, uninteresting, possibly a little annoying and a little too know-it-all-ish. I felt that some animal died under my feet as I stepped onto that train that day. I think it was my ego.

Anyway, I don't think I have ever bothered to try to find out what's on their minds either.

Fair enough.

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Divhya, playing sudoku.

I always wondered how people go about "looking for themselves" by walking out their doors and going to foreign places, or learning yoga. I sometimes thought them a little too melodramatic. I always thought them a little stupid.

That night, lying on my bunk which rumbled in time with the rest of my carriage, on a train journeying under Indian stars and through the nocturnal chill of the Indian West,

I found, to my delight, that I am a little stupid too.




P.S. And the rest of you who often hear my mind, and waited to hear more; Thank You. You guys have been great.



Back on the pen,
k0k s3n w4i

14 comments:

mrbherng said...

the trip must have been an awesome eye opening one yeah?

Vincent said...

kok,so, how well do u know vincent now?

bevE said...

wah dem perasan ha now only think u're stupid =.=
i knew looooooong before u got ur epiphany that u were :D

on another note, noooooooooooooo why are you back?! stay away la u T^T

Dr.Vishaal Bhat said...

(okay, I'll concede that none of you reading this now would think of it as any great loss either).

I take offense... ;)

michellesy, kok fangurl said...

We missed you James!
Welcome back and please, please stay for good =)

Elaynne said...

Ur post is finally up? you owe us more than this....
I wanna hear about Phoebe... is she not doing medicine anymore?

phoebe said...

hello elaynne :) i might be doing medicine, dental or pharmacy. im not sure. jz not in india anymor. thank u 4ur concern :)

k0k s3n w4i said...

mrbherng: guess it's the only trip i've ever been on with my eyes opened :)

vincent: I suddenly know that you have a blog o.0

beve: I came back cos got people said you missed me :P
u wetard T^T

dr.vishaal bhat: how dare you steal offense. you ought to know better than to take things that are not given :)

michellesy: oh, i'll stay. i won't have another holiday till august. i'm grounded, gal. wings clipped and all. missed you guys too!

elaynne: this is a "day one" post. by the time i'm halfway thru, you'll be hoping that I would go on another trip and stop bugging everyone with my (awesome) vacation pictures :P
phoebs answered u, i guess

Jen said...

well its about time!! ok err.. apologies for my very enthusiastic comment which is sorely lacking in content. never have i been so disgustingly busy!!

and how dare you even think that any of us would get bored or sick of reading your posts. tsk tsk.. you've been missed!! =D

k0k s3n w4i said...

jen: busy how? if u don have to go to the clinics from 8am to 4pm everyday like me, ur NOT busy. I was going to quit med school if I fail the second year university exam - but as it turns out, it's not quite so easy to flunk.
actually, beverly occasionally tells me that my posts are as dull as stones. missed ya too. will visit as soon as I got my affairs sorted out

michellesy, ultimate fangurl said...

Clinic eh? So, killed any patients yet - I am SO kidding Dr Kok XD
And OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T FAIL 2ND YEAR MED WTF. Who do you think you are, an average student? =P

Yes, missed you. My days here were that bit longer and greyer and drearier. Oh woe is me wtf. Why am I such a drama queen wtf.

But seriously, I've swopped jobs and had a shitload of crap going down in my personal life since you went on your sojourn. We are LONG overdue for a chat on msn =P

michellesy said...

Phoebs: You're where? Doing what? Where are you babe? Are you alright? 0_____0
Miss you too OK =(

k0k s3n w4i said...

michellesy: well, I'll be on msn as usual after the 13th. you know, the missus is leaving, and one can't spend too much time with her.
life just keeps going downhill huh? I know that feeling. I'm living it.

phoebe said...

hi michsy! i won't b studyin in india anymor T_T my parents won't let me. i duno wher im goin yet :( im not alrite. sniff