Tuesday, April 22, 2008

First Love is the Shallowest

"They don't believe our love is real,
Cause they don't know how real love feels"

Baby, It's Fact by Hellogoodbye (2006)

I really like line up there. It (and the entire song, really) reminds me so strongly of my first ever relationship with a girl back when I was 14, and how I had to keep it a secret from my parents because they thought that I was still too young and stupid to have a girlfriend. You've been there before, I expect.

I can't recall much about her, though - and for the life of me, I can't even remember where or when I had my first kiss. I thought I would, back then - it is one of the biggest events in a person life, after all. But now, I groped about for it in my memory bank and kept drawing blanks. Why does things never seem quite as important now as they used to be?

I do remember two things, however, both of which apparently random and insignificant. One was when my ex-girlfriend made a call to my house one evening, and my Mom was the one who picked up the receiver. I still remember my Mom's face when the girl on the line asked for me - her lips were pursed and her expression became completely unreadable; blank, stony and supernaturally calm - the sort of face you see on Easter Island. She said only one line to me when she passed the phone to me;

"Your name is pronounced Sen Wai - not Seng Wai."

The other thing I remember (which is actually relevant to the quote up there) was when I paid a visit to my ex-girlfriend's place accompanied by the Smartest Bloke in School, who I used to be rather close to. I met up with her for a few short minutes at the nearby 7-11 store near her condo - she came down on the pretext of wanting to get some junk or other there, because she didn't tell her mother about me either (teenage rebellion, yay!).

I don't remember at all what we talked about that day in front of the 7-11 with the Smartest Bloke in School looking on and waiting some distance away for me - but what I do remember was just how painfully awkward it was to talk to her face to face. And it had nothing to do with my friend being there and all. I've always been awkward around her. It's like we have never truly got to the stage where she is close enough to me for me to feel entirely comfortable in her presence.

So after I said bye to Regina, I found the Smartest Bloke in School laughing himself sick in the face and when I asked him what was so funny - he told me,

"You're like two little kids dating. So cute."

That line didn't quite register properly, and it had been hovering just above my mind for the past six years - right until a couple of nights ago when I heard that Hellogoodbye song.

You know, when I have kids of my own next time, I'd let them date if they want to. In fact, I might even encourage it myself. I know that childhood sweethearts barely ever works out (and the only childhood sweethearts I know which worked out till their end were Adam and Eve, and I'm not even sure if they have a childhood). I know that children will make mistakes and have their hearts broken, lives rendered meaningless, souls disintegrated, yada yada... I'm just not someone who'd begrudge them that fate. And I'm also not someone who consider that lessons are best learned the hardest way.

Another sort of person I'm not, in all seriousness, is someone who think puppy love shallow. No one love quite so hard as they did when they did so in all their youthful follies. Sure, their love won't mean much when they are older when it all seemed like a big fat waste of time and tears - but back at the time it happened, from the moment it lives till the moment it dies, it was the strongest force in the world. It won't last but then again, since when have anything good ever endured? They should know it - they have the right of it, every single fleeting second of its sweet, sweet misery.

Ironic isn't it? The only time we can love unconditionally, without sense, reason or restrain is when we are too young and too stupid to love.

Anyway, here's the reason for my recently resurrected interest in music,

I'm too cool to own an iPod.

I bought a Sony because - well, let's face it, Apple polishers - Sony beats the crap, bejabbers and panini out of iPods when it comes to sound quality. That and the absolutely ridiculous length of battery life the Sony Walkman boasts (it hovers above 30 hours). Freaking stellar, I think.

I still got about 100 megabytes of parking space left in my Sony baby so people, I'll appreciate it if you can recommend some songs to me. I like fun, sunny songs regardless of genre, and I have a preference of style over substance. Style with substance is best, of course, but I rather listen to some shallow shit that sounds awesome, than some song with which pretends to be deep and angsty so dumb teenagers will listen to them to be cool (I've been there, kid).

Oh fuck that, just tell me what's your current favourite songs (and no, bevE, I don't want that Grinch song). I'm about 4 years behind in my ken of the music industry. And if you own an iPod, don't bother telling me what songs are worth listening to because I already know that you have awful tastes (I kid! I kid!).

And before I forget, here's the pictures of Charlie you wanted, Phoebe!

Lounging in my anteroom looking for a tummy rub.

Charlie is the new pup in the neighborhood though we are not quite sure which stray is its mom. It just appeared one day, already quite matured for a pup. It's most probably Fifi's, since she's nursing it but I find it hard to believe that that skinny bitch can actually produce such a robust and healthy offspring. It's a she, by the way, and Charlie is short for Charcoal. She's also known as Bibi. And Milo. It depends on who you ask, really, but I still think mine's the most original.

She's really good at doing that cute head-tilt thing, by the way,


Left side tilt...

And right side too!

On a one day holiday,
k0k s3n w4i


michelleg said...

haha smartest guy in ur school.. should be Chiew HJ.. i still remember shorty gang. lols. from my bro of course.

charlie is soo cuteee!!

constant drama said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now. But before this I dont really have anything to say until this post that is.

Its true you know. You will never feel that much in love as you did when you were younger. It seemed stupid than, so many things we dont understand but you love feels like it could stand againts anything.

Yeah....I remember that feeling. I miss it sometimes. I bet you miss it too.

bevE said...

she is beautiful o.o

comment later when i got time


bevE said...


I sent it already anyway T^T

cute little angel said...

lol.. I like the part where u said that u would encourage ur kids to date. Wow :P
My first relationship was when I was 15 and strangely enough I didn't realise that I don't remember when I had my first kiss either! Gosh..
Neways, the puppy (opps I forgot the name) is sooooo cute!!! Wanna play wif it!! :P

phoebe said...

charlie so adorable T_T i wonder if she remembers me. sobs.

voon said...

Reading your blog makes me happy to know that sunny cheerful things and innocent sweet love exists and very pathetically sad for the exact same reason. What gives? I'm still looking for that beautiful thing in my life.

mrbherng said...

I am sorta into Teriyaki Boyz at the moment especially Celebrity Death March, Tokyo Drift and Chicken or Beef.. They are JR&B.

k0k s3n w4i said...

michelleg: ah, u have a long memory. i think the official name for the group is DAJERC or something xD how twee... a teenybopper clique!

constant drama: OMG OMG OMG YOU READ SONG OF ICE AND FIRE!!!! I've been wanting to do a post about those books ever since I finish reading them last week.
"so many things we dont understand but you love feels like it could stand againts anything." Those are precisely the words I was looking for when I wrote this post. I think about the past wistfully on occasion, but I don't think I truly miss it. I just think that it's the closest anyone can ever get to loving unconditionally. I think it's worth having.

beve: u can send it, but you can't make me listen to it. i hated the movie =d

cute little angel: I also don't mind if my kids wanna be gay next time - but that's another post xD
if you want to play with Charlie, you can always pop by at acharya compound - but u better hurry. she's fast losing her puppy roundness :(

phoebe: of course she doesn't :P. it's puppy love xD But that's okay, cos you still got me, no? and the best part is, you dun need to wash your hand after you touch me :D!

voon: I always think that the reason sunny cheerful stuff happen more frequently to some people while there are other who tends to have less joys in life - is because how happy a person feels depends solely on his attitude. Happiness is a choice, just like how Nat King Cole sing it; "Pretend you're happy when you're blue... it isn't very hard to do"

mrbherng: FINALLY, someone notices my request! I kind of imagine that I'd get swamped by song recommendations cos' everybody love talking about the sort of music they listen too... but surprisingly, everyone's been awfully secretive about their favourite songs. Thanks mate, appreciated. will look into these.

Elaynne said...

Kok Sen Wai!!!

Fond memories huh? btw...I still have the emails we exchanged back then... damn funny can.. I remembered reading them again some time ago.. very enlighten-ing :)

I guess we all grew from experiences which brings us to what we are now...

We used to have so much fun!
Its still fun now... but things are different. But it was still good memories!

Innocent^^Guy said...

did i bang my head real hard or what? I don't remember a shit about my past and all the first love memories?

Oh wait, I don't think it has anything to do with that because I'm now happily with.... who was that again?


Elaynne said...

Btw! I have that Sony MP3 as well *high five*
Mine is red tho.. :)

senorita.. said...

i like the latest songs by Mariah Carey.. especially 'Bye Bye'.. it's in my blog by the way..

and yeap,1st love.. usually is puppy love.. where we do things we regret and love like there's no tomorrow.. but that's what being young's all about isn't it..

have a good day!

k0k s3n w4i said...

elaine: emails? or was it friendster messages? I don remember stuff so good these days. med skul is making me go senile.
I get what you're saying. being kids rocks, wei. well, from your blog, I can tell you're having way lot more fun than I am. I've totally abandoned cliques and became reclusive. we srsly need to meet up and catch up when I get back!
*high five member geng Sony!* I got the black one 'cos... it matches my predominantly black wardrobe -.-

innocent^^guy: shit, we're all growing too old to remember kid stuff la. when we're 50, we're going to forget our twenties too. how depressing.

senorita..: Mariah Carey.. i duno, I always had this impression that she's too full of herself when she sings - and not in a good way either. i'm willing to give this a go, though. thnks :)

ヒットエンドぴゅっ! said...


Elaynne said...

ITs HOTMAIL emailssssssss....... OMG.. HOw can U forget.. ish.. then I syiok sendiri only.. haha...

Anonymous said...

hmmm. You can check out popaddicted.blogspot.com & mp3freakz.blogspot.com for song recommendations.

k0k s3n w4i said...

elaynne: they are buried somewhere in my email then xD. sry, laine - but it was sooo very long ago. at least I remember about friendster, didn't I? :P

zzzameliazzz: oh wow. thanks. will do, as soon as I'm got bored with some of the crap I'm listening to now :)