Thursday, May 05, 2011

Jesus' Fishy Vagina

"And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."

Matthew 4:19

Jesus Fish, Ichthys
The Jesus Fish.

You probably have seen it on the front of someone's T-shirt, at the back of someone's car on a bumper sticker, or dangling from someone's neck, ears or wrist in the form of jewelry. Those someones are almost certainly Christians. The symbol is known as the Ichthys, which is the Koine Greek word for "fish" back in the days when men dresses in chitons and sandals, and invented democracy in their spare time. It symbolises Jesus Christ because that man's totally fishy, and I'm going to show you just how much. Read as an acrostic, the letters ICHTHYS (ΙΧΘΥΣ) stands for Iēsous Christos, Theou Huios, Sōtēr (ησοῦς Χριστός, Θεοῦ Υἱός, Σωτήρ), translatable to "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savior."

Pretty neat, huh? This particular godless heathen certainly thinks so.

But as we all know, Christianity had a long history of pinching the symbolism, rituals and holidays of competing religions. Consistent with its syncretic tradition, the use of the Ichthys supposedly predated its significance in Christianity as well. It has been associated with a whole host of other ancient fishy deities like Aphrodite, Atargatis, Dagon, Delphine, and Ephesus - all with varying ties to fertility, sexuality, and motherhood. Right now, you might be thinking to yourself, "That's nice and all, but what does a fish got to do with fertility, sexu..."

BAM!

Jesus' Vaginal Fish
"Oh."

The association makes sense if you consider the fact that fishes appear to be infinitely abundant in the oceans, and are known to produce hundreds to millions of eggs every mating cycle. A related symbol, the vesica piscis (literally "bladder of a fish") is also considered to be representative of the vulva, particularly in yonic traditions. Yes, lots of old religions venerated the vagina, and many modern men maintain the same worship by buying it flowers and taking it out to dinner.

By the way, the word "venerate" has its etymological root in Venus, the Roman goddess of love, lust, beauty, and fertility. Her name also gave rise to the word "venereal" which pertains to sex and the genitals. Everything, you'll find, leads back to the Almighty Twat.

So, the next time you see people wearing Jesus Fish, just remember that they are really covering themselves with pussies.

If you're Christian and are offended by the Jesus' association with female genitalia, I must ask you: what's so bad about vaginas anyway? What do you have against a woman's mustachioed vertical smile? Are you some kind of misogynist? If you ask me, they are one of the best things in the universe! Easily in the top ten! Besides, even the Holy Bible contains some passages drawing parallels between Jesus and the hooch. Jesus is described as a giver of life (John 6:35, John 10:10, John 10:28), just like how a vagina is instrumental in giving birth to new life. Jesus supposedly suffered (Matthew 27:26-49), died so that we may live (Hebrews 10:12, 1 Thessalonians 5:10), and was resurrected three days afterwards (Matthew 12:40, Mark 16:1-20). If you have even a basic knowledge of biology, you should know that as a prerequisite for producing life, the womb must cause women pain and suffering every month when the endometrial layer within dies and is shed during menstruation. After bleeding for three or more days, it too "resurrects" or regenerates itself.

There are also biblical allusions to Jesus being nailed to the cross (John 20:25-27). Surely, I don't need to point out the obvious that vaginas also get nailed regularly. Coincidence? I think not.

Considering the tenuous connections often drawn by Christians to "prove" that their religion is true, they should grant my arguments equal admissibility. If you apply the same academic rigours they did, there is no denying the conclusive historical and biblical proofs connecting Jesus Christ, his holy mackerel, and the sacred vajayjay.

On a totally, utterly, completely, absolutely unrelated topic, the Muslims reveres a relic called al-Hajr e Aswad, or the Black Stone which sits on the Kaaba in Mecca, the holiest city in Islam. It looks like a, um... That's strange, I can't think of any object it resembles at all,

al-Hajr e Aswad
Right: A Hajji preparing to emulate the Prophet Muhammad's kiss on the venerable Black Stone.

More than a million pious Muslims would perform the pilgrimage, or Hajj, there every year to rub and kiss it. In fact, it's been worn quite smooth by the countless heavy petting and smooches it received over the centuries.



Is looking for a vertical
Jesus Fish pendant,
k0k s3n w4i

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I approve this as a masterpiece. Well written. Should be a future text reference for Christians.

Anonymous said...

This certainly put Matthew 4:19 in an whole new light. "Fishers of men," indeed.

yuhhui said...

Think I saw something like that in Goa...

k0k s3n w4i said...

Anonymous #1: i approve of your approval.

Anonymous #2: clearly, jesus intended his followers to be vaginas.

yuhhui: i think i saw something like that all the time in the labour theatres.

Pou Leen said...

Out of this world, it is! Enlightened, I am. =)

Aud said...

I just found your blog and I love it already! I look forward to going through your archives. Thanks in advance for saving me from what I can anticipate to be many a boring day at work. ;)

Robin Gronw said...

You think to much, you can support any idea with the bible like if you find a passage to back it up. But for every passage that supports a statement like yours there is one which to shed light on it like in John 3:4-6, where Jesus explains rebirth to Nicodemus.

Robin Gronw said...

You can prove anything with the bible but there is always a counter argument. Just look at John3:4-6 where Jesus explains rebirth to Nicodemus.