"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."
Arthur C. Clarke
I bet none of you saw this coming in your horoscopes.
A month ago, a magnificent bastard of an astronomer by the name of Parke Kunkle decided to troll the astrological community for a lark and a hoot by sending out a press release informing the entire world that they got their signs completely wrong, and that astronomers have known this for thousands of years. Talk about a slow news day, eh?
Here's a quickie history lesson: the zodiac was catalogued by the ancient Babylonian astronomers in 700 BC and sun-sign astrology is a zodiac-based woo-woo divination process invented by the same folks who thought they could see the future in the bloody innards of sacrificial animals. According to these star prophets, it is possible to infer the personality and predict the fortune of any individual armed only with the knowledge of that person's date of birth i.e. the constellation the sun is supposedly hanging around in at the time. It's an extraordinary claim, but what's even more extraordinary is that there are still people who actually believe in this celestial carny wagon of stardusted malarkey. Some of you might had even read the personality description of your own sun-signs and oh-my-gushed about how freaking accurately it described you.
Guess what? You have been reading the wrong character sheet all this time.
You see, when they charted the heavens back in those centuries BC, they hadn't a clue about axial precession,
Thanks to the gravitational pull of our moon, our home planet's axis of rotation gradually shifts in orientation over time, much like a wobbling top, and every 26,000 years or so, it goes through one precession cycle. What this means in astrological terms is that the alignment of the zodiac had moved by approximately one sign by now - making me, for example, a Gemini instead of the crabby Cancer I thought I was. Remember, this is nothing new; the astrologers' star charts have been wonky for millenia in spite of Hipparchus' discovery of precession in the 2nd century BC. Therefore, the daily horoscopes in the papers are not only nonsensical, they are also misaimed.
Further muddying the pythonic water is the thirteenth constellation called Ophiuchus (or the "serpent-bearer") which the ancients left out because they preferred the number 12 for some unfathomable Babylonian baloney reason,
The Greek gods placed Steve Irwin in the heavens after a stingray stabbed him in the fucking heart.
Because even they thought it was a fucking hardcore way to go.
So, here are the corrected dates which accurately reflect the position of the sun at the time of your birth,
- Capricorn: January 20 - February 16
- Aquarius: February 16 - March 11
- Pisces: March 11- April 18
- Aries: April 18- May 13
- Taurus: May 13- June 21
- Gemini: June 21- July 20
- Cancer: July 20- August 10
- Leo: August 10- September 16
- Virgo: September 16- October 30
- Libra: October 30- November 23
- Scorpio: November 23- November 29
- Ophiuchus: November 29- December 17
- Sagittarius: December 17- January 20
When I informed the Long-Suffering Girlfriend™ that she is really a Leo, she threw a tantrum befitting of the king of beasts. She said and I quote: "I don't fucking care where the sun's at when I was born! I'm a Virgo! A Virgo!"
More like a virago, am I right? Ahyuck!
For the record, she doesn't buy into this horoscopic hooey at all. She just have an irrational attachment to the constellation which she mistook for her own years and years ago, hence the rare explosive F-bomb. Besides, how many people, in this day and age, really believe that the position of celestial bodies can influence or reveal future events? Everyone knows that astrology is no where near as plausible as djinnis, unicorns, talking snakes, some shepherd who parted the Red Sea, a rabbi who rose from the dead and an Arab who rode a flying ass. Those stuff are obviously far more logical and scientific, yes sirree.
P.S. Hey, the extroverted Geminian traits describe me just as well as the introverted Cancerian ones did! All I need to do is switch my birth stone from pearl to topaz and I'm all set.
P.P.S. The thought of countless gullible astro-heads reading someone else's predictions every day is just too comical. And I wonder what those people with tattoos of their astrological signs are going to do about this. Let's not tell them about the 14th sign, Cetus, just yet.
k0k s3n w4i