Thursday, February 10, 2011

It's Miswritten in the Stars

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

Arthur C. Clarke

I bet none of you saw this coming in your horoscopes.

A month ago, a magnificent bastard of an astronomer by the name of Parke Kunkle decided to troll the astrological community for a lark and a hoot by sending out a press release informing the entire world that they got their signs completely wrong, and that astronomers have known this for thousands of years. Talk about a slow news day, eh?

Here's a quickie history lesson: the zodiac was catalogued by the ancient Babylonian astronomers in 700 BC and sun-sign astrology is a zodiac-based woo-woo divination process invented by the same folks who thought they could see the future in the bloody innards of sacrificial animals. According to these star prophets, it is possible to infer the personality and predict the fortune of any individual armed only with the knowledge of that person's date of birth i.e. the constellation the sun is supposedly hanging around in at the time. It's an extraordinary claim, but what's even more extraordinary is that there are still people who actually believe in this celestial carny wagon of stardusted malarkey. Some of you might had even read the personality description of your own sun-signs and oh-my-gushed about how freaking accurately it described you.

Guess what? You have been reading the wrong character sheet all this time.

You see, when they charted the heavens back in those centuries BC, they hadn't a clue about axial precession,

This is how I roll, bitch.

Thanks to the gravitational pull of our moon, our home planet's axis of rotation gradually shifts in orientation over time, much like a wobbling top, and every 26,000 years or so, it goes through one precession cycle. What this means in astrological terms is that the alignment of the zodiac had moved by approximately one sign by now - making me, for example, a Gemini instead of the crabby Cancer I thought I was. Remember, this is nothing new; the astrologers' star charts have been wonky for millenia in spite of Hipparchus' discovery of precession in the 2nd century BC. Therefore, the daily horoscopes in the papers are not only nonsensical, they are also misaimed.

Further muddying the pythonic water is the thirteenth constellation called Ophiuchus (or the "serpent-bearer") which the ancients left out because they preferred the number 12 for some unfathomable Babylonian baloney reason,

Crikey! It's Ophi... Ophooey... the snake-wrangler!
The Greek gods placed Steve Irwin in the heavens after a stingray stabbed him in the fucking heart.
Because even they thought it was a fucking hardcore way to go.

So, here are the corrected dates which accurately reflect the position of the sun at the time of your birth,
  • Capricorn: January 20 - February 16
  • Aquarius: February 16 - March 11
  • Pisces: March 11- April 18
  • Aries: April 18- May 13
  • Taurus: May 13- June 21
  • Gemini: June 21- July 20
  • Cancer: July 20- August 10
  • Leo: August 10- September 16
  • Virgo: September 16- October 30
  • Libra: October 30- November 23
  • Scorpio: November 23- November 29
  • Ophiuchus: November 29- December 17
  • Sagittarius: December 17- January 20

When I informed the Long-Suffering Girlfriend™ that she is really a Leo, she threw a tantrum befitting of the king of beasts. She said and I quote: "I don't fucking care where the sun's at when I was born! I'm a Virgo! A Virgo!"

More like a virago, am I right? Ahyuck!

For the record, she doesn't buy into this horoscopic hooey at all. She just have an irrational attachment to the constellation which she mistook for her own years and years ago, hence the rare explosive F-bomb. Besides, how many people, in this day and age, really believe that the position of celestial bodies can influence or reveal future events?
Everyone knows that astrology is no where near as plausible as djinnis, unicorns, talking snakes, some shepherd who parted the Red Sea, a rabbi who rose from the dead and an Arab who rode a flying ass. Those stuff are obviously far more logical and scientific, yes sirree.

P.S. Hey, the extroverted Geminian traits describe me just as well as the introverted Cancerian ones did! All I need to do is switch my birth stone from pearl to topaz and I'm all set.

The thought of countless gullible astro-heads reading someone else's predictions every day is just too comical. And I wonder what those people with tattoos of their astrological signs are going to do about this. Let's not tell them about the 14th sign, Cetus, just yet.

Jumpin' Geminian,
k0k s3n w4i


février said...

i feel, feebs. i have an attachment too to my starsign. although at least the year of which i was born still helps at least. xD otherwise i would have nothing left. nothing.

Jen said...

Whew. Ophichus didnt change anything for me. Go Virgo's!!

Jen said...

Evidently, getting all excited about remaining a Virgo has interfered with my ability to spell.

Phoebs said...

bah T^T this post irks me

nicoletta said...

I, too am irked by this post, because I also have been deprived of my claim to belonging under the constellation of Virgo. Downgrade to Leo for me.

Hamba Allah said...

Al-Buraq is NOT an ass or a donkey. It is a white beast bigger than a donkey and smaller than a mule which has a stride as far as its sight according to Sahih Bukhari 5:58:227 of the Hadis... I can't stand it when people make fun of things they don't understand...

k0k s3n w4i said...

beve: why so emo, newbie libra?

Jen: i thought you would prefer being under ophiuchus instead, serpentinegal.

Phoebs: i apologise for irking you, beastie queen.

nicoletta: okay, why do virgos think that changing to leo is a downgrade? and why am i encountering such a disproportionate number of virgos? my mother and sister are virgos too.

Hamba Allah: you are right, that's so much more realistic compared to a flying donkey.

Anonymous said...

"It is a white beast bigger than a donkey and smaller than a mule which has a stride as far as its sight"

k0k, it's not a flying ass. you should apologise for the wrong fact.


février said...

that's because this new update is just a troll and a hoax. this new number of virgos isn't just coincidence.

c3rs3i said...

Hey now, please have some consideration for others before declaring things as preposterous at whim.. It sounds like it could be a unicorn-pegasus hybrid and I'd like if that were true.

k0k s3n w4i said...

sin: you so right. i should have called it a "white, bigger-than-an-ass, magic creature which flies".

beve: well, the fact that the tropical/western astrologers have fixed the zodiac, ignoring precession is true. i'm not going into sidereal astrology because all astrology is bullshit anyway.

c3rs3i: you wouldn't like it to be true if a bird ever poop-bombed you before.

c3rs3i said...

I think I can imagine.
It's probably something like the poop-pellet you just shot at my fantasy but more voluminous, fibrous and a whole lot smellier - thanks.