Thursday, June 20, 2013

Ugly Rumours Regarding Our Marriage and Pregnancy

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth."

Jewish Proverb

When met with questions regarding the legitimacy of his citizenship, the 44th President of the United States answered those allegations with first releasing the short form of his birth certificate followed by the long form version. There are some who criticised Obama's move because they saw the "birther" movement as a bunch of racist cranks which should not be dignified with any response whatsoever. They think that by responding, the president only managed to smear himself with the shit that had been flung at him. That's how I had been taught to deal with false gossips - just ignore them and people will stop talking about it.

And that sounds exactly like what a defeatist who is too cowardly to deal with the ugliness would say. The thing about gossips is that they are undead. They shamble all over town, festering and growing stinkier as time passes. You may not see or hear them very often, but you can always smell that general atmosphere unaddressed lies hovering about your person. In this aspect, I agree with what Mr Obama did. Rumours and zombies should be put down with a shotgun blast right in their fucking faces ASAP.

I wasn't even aware of the zombie the haunts the circumstances surrounding my marriage and my wife's pregnancy until fairly recently when Cheryl told me a mutual friend of ours mentioned it - he thought that our kid was conceived before we married. In other far unkinder words, he thought that our unborn son is a bastard. Now, I don't have anything against bastards or illegitimacy or any other weird cultural taboos that society gets pathologically hung up about. Cheryl thought it was funny, but I began wondering if the stench of rot was worse than the whiff we got.

Apparently, the suddenness and speed of our knot-tying and our surprise joint-venture into baby-making collided squarely with my known personal views on commitment and procreation. I told all my med school colleagues that I would never marry. I told my father once to forget about any grandchildren from me because I don't like the idea of having kids. Then, I went ahead and did the exact opposite of everything I said. Of course, instead of assuming that I just happened to have met someone so amazing that she turned my whole world around and changed my mind about love, family and everything, people (being the base schadenfreudian scandalmongers that they are) prefer to think that I was snared in a shotgun marriage. This offends me not because people think that I am marrying the love of my life because I wanted to save her the embarrassment of an unplanned pregnancy, but because it insinuates that I actually care if our kid is born out of wedlock or not (hint: I don't). I am deeply offended to be mistaken for someone who observes outdated superstitions of purity and honour that, for some stupid reason or other, our conservative and backward Asian culture prizes so highly. I also do not appreciate the implication that I, a medical doctor by profession, am incapable of using contraception effectively.

Now, I am not going to simply deny that here. I am going to do one better than that - I will provide irrefutable scientific proof to forcibly lay that motherfucking zombie in its grave so hard that it will stay there till kingdom comes and goes away again.

Here is my first piece of evidence, my marriage certificate,

Our Marriage Certificate
I got two colleagues who happened to be free on that day to come witness.

Here are the points of interest: It records that (a) I am married to Cheryl, and (b) we signed it on the 5th of November, 2012 in the presence of the Registrar and two witnesses. Bear in mind that according to Malaysian marriage regulations, a notice of our marriage must be posted on their notice board for 21 days before we can marry so the latest possible date that we could decide to get hitched is on October 15, 2012. Hold that thought.

Here is evidence number two: my wife's antenatal card,

Cover of Maternity Card
I call it her "report card".

The crucial piece of information here is my wife's LMP or Last Menstrual Period which had been documented as 23 November 2012. It means that up till the 23rd of November, Cheryl was still having her period so our kid couldn't possibly be conceived earlier than this date.

Here's a bit of medical trivia: the EDD or Expected Date of Delivery is calculated using Naegele's Rule, and it's done by,
  1. Adding 1 year to the first day of the last menstrual period.
  2. Subtracting 3 months.
  3. Adding 7 days.
In other words, a baby's expected birth date is around 9 months and 7 days after the LMP.

Now, in case anyone still wants to quibble or accuse us of putting a fake LMP on the antenatal card (and I can already hear some conspiracy theorists pointing out that the date in the picture above had been crossed out and rewritten once, suggesting that it might had been an arbitrary cooked up date), I have here a third piece of evidence: my wife's early dating scan report,

Early Scan Result
In a way, it was his first ever baby picture.

In Obstetrics, one of the most reliable tools in ascertaining the gestational age of a baby in its mother's womb is the early dating scan, usually done between the 8th and 14th week after the LMP. The CRL or Crown-Rump Length, if measured in the first trimester, is accurate in determining a baby's gestational age within a ± 5 days error bar. In the picture above, you'd notice that at the time of scanning on the 23rd of January, 2013, the gestational age was 8 weeks and 6 days. So if you work it out backwards, the scanned gestational age was only ONE DAY different from the LMP. Now according to the guidelines, if the difference is less than one week, the calculation of the EDD is then based on the LMP - hence the statement "follow date" which Cheryl's doctor scrawled beside the result.

So, there you have it: scientific and medical proof that all you naysaying fishwives are terrible, negative human beings. Our Unborn Foetal Object™ couldn't possibly be conceived before our marriage. If you perpetuated the gossip or even suspected it in your mind that we got married so quickly because I accidentally impregnated Cheryl, you owe us an apology.

When two persons met and married each other in such a short span of time, it is very easy to look at it with cynical eyes and read ulterior pressures behind the decision. The fact that we decided to forgo any wedding ceremony certainly gave a rushed and disreputable sheen to our union - but that's because we both think weddings are merely pageantry for pretentious patsies (no offence).

But guess what? It's all true. I met someone so sweet, caring and wonderful that she made me abandon everything I thought I knew about relationships and love. She left her job and her life in Singapore in an incredible act of lovestruck spontaneity, not because she was with child (she wasn't) and had to but because she believed in us - and her faith changed me. Together, we decided that we can't live without each other just weeks after our first date. And isn't the truth a lovelier story to tell?

P.S. And if you read this post published on the 30th of July, 2012, you'll see that we have already decided to get married then, almost half a year before Cheryl got pregnant. It seems that rumourmongers are not only spiteful, but are too damn stupid to do basic sums as well. According to them, our baby is still baking in the oven 11 months after he was conceived.

Straightener of records,
k0k s3n w4i


darshan said...

Ok what about a DNA test to prove the baby is a product of Kok and Cheryl, to nail down those conspiracy theorists who would now say Kok married Cheryl to save her honour that was compromised by her ex?
Frankly, I wouldn't give a hoot if both of you had kids out of a common-law marriage. But to be honest, I would be curious if you had married a bumi and got her in the family way, without you converting to her religion and becoming un-intact, if you are still covered there. And she not giving up her faith either. Ok, so you crossing your fingers for a Merdeka baby?

iman said...

Darshan are you blur or what? She got preggo months after they decided to get married so how was her honour compromised by her ex? I don't think kok takes spoilt goods also

Doc, maybe give us tips on how to court and marry an air hostess? Bet you made full use of her pierre balmain's uniform in the bedroom

darshan said...

What I meant was that gossip mongers might wonder aloud on the baby's parentage just to discredit Kok some more. You know, they jus wanna keep the fire of rumours burning, so they not going to bother with dates. Anyway, if this was an unplanned pregnancy, then kok also makes me wonder why he as a doctor fell short in the use of contraceptives, but love is love so jus enjoy the baby loh!

yuhhui said...

Rumour mongers are everywhere. The more you explain, the more they think you're trying to hide or defend yourself. Had some fair share of experiences here in uni. I came to conclusion that the more i never bother and smile at it, it will die off. Let them talk. Pity them for their stupidity while we bask in the joy of their ignorance.

MG said...

agreed regarding the wedding ceremony part. i'd rather spend that money for nice honeymoon.

k0k s3n w4i said...

darshan: "Frankly, I wouldn't give a hoot if both of you had kids out of a common-law marriage."

And if you read my post, you'd see that I don't either. I have given the actual reasons why the rumours bothered me.

"Anyway, if this was an unplanned pregnancy, then kok also makes me wonder why he as a doctor fell short in the use of contraceptives"

Also addressed in the post itself.

iman: Thank you for clarifying but I don't appreciate that statement about "spoilt goods" at all. I don't consider women as "goods". And a woman who had sexual relations with other people in the past is no more sullied than a man who had.

yuhhui: I disagree. Scandalmongers can just as easily pass on a gossip and use the fact that the people involved have never contradicted it as evidence of its supposed veracity. Before Obama released his birth certificate, the birthers cited his perceived hesitance as evidence that he had something to hide - but by providing actual evidence of his legibility to take office, he made these birthers look like crazy denialists. People can continue to speculate about me and my wife, but having hard, available and undeniable proof that directly debunks their gossips on record can only be beneficial. It is one thing to deny a rumour - it is quite another to provide clear evidence to disprove it.

MG: Weddings, especially Chinese weddings are less about celebrating one's own marriage than it is about appeasing friends and relatives. That just sound stupid to me.

Nathalie Kee said...

Wow. Bigots lah. Really. Born out of wedlock? So what? Stupid archaic notion that has deprived millions of children of the basic honour of being acknowledged as a human being, and DENIED them opportunities in more ways than a hundred and one (puncturing their self-esteem, using their 'bastard' position as leverage to be superior, soiling the perfectly fine reputation of a person for a fate he did not choose).

darshan said...

Suppose you became the personal doctor to the Sarawak CM and his immediate family, and people spread rumours about you - how you are his gateway to Melaka, your shares in his logging and palm oil holdings etc - would you be so worked up as people are actually in awe and fear (disgust also) of you, and even your bosses at the gen hospital will kiss your ass?
But in this case of your unplanned parenthood, it seems to me that you are hurt by the ridicule in the gossip. People put you down cos they envy your intellect, your profession and your beautiful wife (I say this without any animal lust) plus you are not a power figure in politics and business.
So, be the tiger on the hill who loses no sleep over the bleating of sheep on their way to market. Hey how is this monicker for you 'Tiger Kok'?

iman said...

Dr Kok, sorry. My bad. I meant it in a way how it's usually seen & taken at the given context

Darshan, why are you so obsessed whether it is planned or not? He already said he is in position of knowing the effectiveness of contraceptives since he's a doctor so the pregnancy must be intentional. Not that it matters to him or anybody.

darshan said...

Iman, I was not focussing on the pregnancy, I was offering kok a perspective on the matter of these rumours and suggesting he moves on to bigger things. Right, kok?

iman said...

I'm curious about what your wife thinks of all this and her pregnancy. The previous women in your life have always been a constant voice in your blog but Cheryl isn't very vocal, is she? It will be interesting if she pens down her thoughts now that she is expecting don't you think?

WQ said...

why must Cheryl be vocal as well compared to the doctor's previous women? I don't get how interesting it will be.

Cheryl said...

First & foremost, thank you for having such a huge interest in our sex life. I am not very vocal because :

i) this is his blog not mine
ii) I'd rather bond with my baby & experience every tiny movement he makes than to engage with people I don't know, don't matter and/or stupid

As for his friends who have this incessant expectation to be updated & have made that known in this blog & every other social network, please Google "priorities" and understand that you are not a priority. Hence the lack of updates so quit feeling so entitled.

k0k s3n w4i said...

Nathalie: Can you imagine what these assholes would say when I have my kid take my wife's surname? I feel like I am surrounded by a world of stupid, sexist, backward Pharisees.

darshan: If you think I am losing sleep over this, you are mistaken. I wrote this post for the record because if there is any rumour out there about any aspect of my life, my urge is to make those responsible for those rumours look stupid. I also saw this as an opportunity to talk about basic dating methodology in Obstetrics and to point out that as incredible as it sounds, people can fall so hard in love that they would be married before the year is out. Also, this is my blog and I write whatever I feel like writing about.

iman: Apology accepted. Just so you know, I had other female readers messaging me privately expressing their disdain for your statement comparing women to "goods". You should direct your apology to them. Also, whatever persons in my life did or did not do in the past does not form the standard of how people in the present should behave.

WQ: Thanks.

darshab said...

Counting down to the big expected day on 30 aug you must be doing now! I hope you and Cheryl have a Merdeka day boy if the fella can sense the occasion and hold back a little. Or can you as a doctor with your bag of magic induce delivery on 31 aug since the expected day is just one day earlier? Any medical possibility at all?

darshan said...

It's darshan not darshab! And oh yes I am awaiting for the baby's name! It must be something outta this world! Ok no prompting from me.