Monday, July 30, 2012

I Met Someone

"I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene
Start a brand new colony"

Brand New Colony (2003) by The Postal Service

I met someone.

I met her for the first time about two months ago in a faraway city. We shared one day and one night together, not knowing that we might have possibly met the rest of our lives. Then, I returned to the half-life I have been half-living, where everything was in a stasis of banality and misery after my previous girlfriend walked out of my life half a year ago with baffling abruptness. I needed someone to pretend to be normal to, and this strange new girl - well, in her own way, she was just as lonely as I was. We talked about nothing and everything, till we have no more secrets except those which we held back; secrets about where we hope we were going. Or falling. There were days we would talk far into the night, spurred by an impulsive reluctance to end whatever it is we were sharing. And one day, I realised that I was happy. It was not the trivial happiness of finding lost keys or receiving gifts. It was a deep happiness. It's like the happiness found in a new book or at the bottom of a mug of hot chocolate as it rains outside in the dark. It is a happiness which exorcised all coldness from my bones, as if there's a blazing sun inside me. It was unexpected and uninvited - like waking up in a lucid dream. And in these dreams, I have always done this one thing: I would leap off a building just to see if I can fly.

I met her for the second time three weeks ago in a different city that belonged to neither of us, for no greater - and no lesser - purpose than to see each other again. It was evening when I walked into her room where she was waiting for me, and even though we did not tell the other how we really felt, we knew the moment we saw each other. We just did. I knew because I could see it in the way she looks at me, in her secret smile, and in the silences pregnant with anticipation. We only left when the night is old, hours too late for our dinner date, and when we returned, we found the night a young maiden again, curious and full of mischief; a little breathless and a little shy. She taught me that I wasn't just half-dead in the past six months, but also in the preceding four years and beyond. In the next morning, she missed her bus back to her old life because we simply couldn't bear to let go, so I took her to another city to start a new one. It was the 7th of July, a meaningless day that found new meaning in the two of us.

The postcard she sent me before our first date.

I met her a third time in the city I live and work in two weeks past when she flew in from Singapore on an impulse and made a present of herself to me on my 26th birthday. I only understood the true extent of her gift to me when both of us found ourselves on our knees at different times, in completely different circumstances, asking for each other's hand in marriage because it felt so right and made too much sense to the both of us. You will not understand the significance of my decision unless you also know that I have never wanted it. I told all my medical school colleagues with unwavering certainty that I intended to leave all my knots untied till the day I die and I said the same thing to my father over lunch before I moved to Kuching. My ex-girlfriend knew this throughout the four years we were together and in a way, we both understood that we were doomed to say goodbye someday. I was a man grown and I had made up my mind.

I now know that it's because I have not met the woman I want to marry until I met her. She told me that she would leave behind everything, her home, her career, and her friends - to start anew - just to be with me. For my 26th birthday, she gave me her heart, and placed her happiness in my hands - not caring if I might break one and dash the other. Knowing just how much she loves me makes me feel far more 幸福 than I ever had because there isn't a word or phrase in the English language that can meaningfully describe the nuances of what I am truly feeling when I'm holding her close to me and feel her breath against my chest; this girl who would so unhesitatingly give me everything. I am so undeserving of her that it scares me. I am afraid that one day, I would cease to be worthy of the sacrifices she is making for me, and I would be left with the ever-fading afterglow of having been in the presence of destiny lost.

What she wrote.

I am a sceptic and an unbeliever. I do not believe in luck, fairy tales or the gods. However, there is one thing I have always believed in since I was a kid growing up on Disney films and my mother's old, forgotten stash of trashy romance novels - and then had those unformed ideals moulded by all the women I have ever dated and the two most important works of contemporary literature on the subject of relationships ever written: South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami Haruka and Brian Lee O'Malley's Scott Pilgrim. I do and still believe that true love really exists, and it can always survive between two persons who refuse to forget just how much they want the other to be happy. In her, I find a rare lady who is intelligent, funny, liberated, beautiful, well-read, unexpectedly affectionate, tirelessly passionate for the things she cares about, and has a tattoo inscribed on her spine in Tengwar. I find in her a friend, a partner and a kindred spirit who disbelieves in everything unproven but yet, has faith enough in the two of us to take this leap with me. And perhaps fly.

I met someone. Her name is Cheryl, and I am marrying her.

P.S. I like the fact that I am also getting two cats in the bargain. Freebies!

k0k s3n w4i


niekvenlo said...


Luke Phang said...

Congrats. I'm happy for you :)

Betsy said...

Congrats :) will there be a wedding? :D

Liz said...

WOW. After ages of not reading your blog, I come back and read THIS?!

SHOCKING NEWS indeed! But a happy one! :D

Congrats! I wish you nothing but happiness :)

Jun said...

i read your blog fleetingly and i just have to say 2 things to you: 1) this is hauntingly beautiful and 2) congrats :)

yuhhui said...

when's the wedding ? Hope to hear wedding bells soon! Really happy that you're so giddy in love! ;)

nicoletta said...

this is my #predictableresponse

you're. getting married. I thought there might be some happy love stuff going on behind the absence of updates on your blog...but wait did you are getting married?!

other people seem surprised that you are getting married but they don't appear surprised enough that you are getting married.

#predictableresponse aside...

congratulations. wow. fuck. a little speechless here. except I'm so happy for you and how the year's turned out for you and basically this new turn in your life. I'm glad you've found that someone (Cheryl sounds like a great woman) and I am so happy that she's changed you in such a way - shattered your whole framework of life philosophies , more like.

yes, man I understand the significance of this decision that you have never wanted. and it's always lovely to have cynicism take a back seat.

but you gotta desist with all this " I am so undeserving of her that it scares me. I am afraid that one day that I would suddenly cease to be worthy of the sacrifices she is making for me". you a decent person, yes? (your blog says you are). I am going to sound all preachy but please. marriage is one tricky motherfucker to pull off (mine failed but whatever. eligible for divorce next month so yay) so take the goddam leap of faith and fuck all the logic and reason and what-ifs for once. please.

OK, I'm not sure I should have said half the things I said...and pardon this wall o' text and platitudes..but congratulations to you and Cheryl again. may you two be happy and may it last and may you continue blogging about everything.

right, now I'm going to re-read all your previous entries (cough, cough the last few lines of that Brave review) with this post in context...

PS: you're the second 'I-don't-believe-in-the-institution-of-marriage' person I know who's getting married this year. must be something about this year of the dragon.

PPS: when you say you're getting married I hope you mean it literally. and not some kind of symbolic metaphor which I didn't get otherwise this comment would accentuate my idiocy a bit too much. pardon my state of disbelief.

synical said...

Oh wow.

Congrats are in order?

All the best to you guys.

Hazel said...

It is beautifully written.I am happy for cheryl that she found her love

mg said...

congrats!!! happy that you've found The One. it just feels different and it just feels so right. have a happily ever after! :)

Anonymous said...

"we only left when the night is old, hours too late for our dinner date"

we were late because we got lost on the Federal Highway :P


minwi said...

congratulations!!!! you give everyone out there an unbelievable amount of hope :) from the bottom of my heart, i am sincerely happy for you ;)

Anonymous said...

Excuse me but how long have u two known each other? Two months ago? And on less than 4 dates? And u want to live the rest of your lives together forever as man-and-wife? Dr Kok, u should have a talk with a medical colleague, preferably a psychologist or psychiatrist! Are u subconsciously proving something to your ex-GF? Sorry to be the party pooper but I jus don't buy it. U need to talk it over with other people!

Howard said...

Ya, I agree with Anonymous above. Why don't u & her get engaged first? For a year. And if you both dare, live together as a couple while engaged.

Anonymous said...

Wew! Enjoy the rest of your single life while it's still there :P anddddddd what did the tattoo say? I am immensely curious.

P.S.: I call dibs on godfatherhood >)

Andrew Jaden said...

^ That was me, in case you were wondering why an anonymous guy would call dibs on godfather rights :O

Anonymous said...


"How long have u two known each other?...And u want to live the rest of your lives together forever as man-and-wife?"

Time is almost always seen as a benchmark for good relationships. It is not. Time isn't what makes a relationship last. The strength/weakness of a marriage is determined by the relationship between the two persons involved.

"Sorry to be the party pooper but I jus don't buy it"

It's a free country. So poop away and no one is asking you to buy any of it.

"U need to talk it over with other people!" and Howard's "Why don't u & her get engaged first? For a year. And if you both dare, live together as a couple while engaged."

Last I check, marriage is between two people. So it engagement and cohabitation.

Hazel & the rest

Thanks for your well wishes :)


The Man I'm Marrying

As I said, I'm not one of those who will squeal at the sight of things you've done for me. Also, I needed time to digest what I've read and find my voice :)

Just wanted to tell you that you're worth everything and I do want to be there and walk the rest of the journey with you.


Zulfahmi said...

I wonder what kind of wedding it will be? Christian? Chinese? or do Atheists have their own way to wed?

Pardon me but I'm not trying to be offensive but just curious

k0k s3n w4i said...

niekvenlo: yeah.

Luke Phang: thanks :)

Betsy: nope, don't hold your breath now.

Liz: life happened. and thanks :P

Jun: thanks, and thanks :)

yuhhui: never. we have something better in mind.

nicoletta: "other people seem surprised that you are getting married but they don't appear surprised enough that you are getting married."
my thoughts exactly. marriage is not going to be easy, i know. i have seen examples of it going horribly wrong all my life, both at home and elsewhere. i don't know if you can identify but sometimes, you just discover that person that's just so right for you, that makes you so happy, that you can't even bear the thought of letting a single minute of your life pass by without being by that person's side. and yeah, i am plenty decent, haha. and no, i totally meant marriage for realsies.

synical: thank you :)

Hazel: thanks, i am happy for her too, haha.

mg: clichéd but true. it's as if all this time, you've been living a life built of compromises and then suddenly, you realise that you can actually have it all.

Cheryl: you can't get lost on the federal highway. it's a straight road. such brazen fabrications T^T

minwi: thanks. we gotta catch up sometimes. do you still have any of my books? i can't remember. oh, and it's true you know - that sometimes, the grass is just obviously greener on our own sides.

Anonymous: aawww lookit that! the big gwumpy anonymous internet commenter doesn't bewieve in twue wuv!

Howard: your invaluable input is noted with peals of laughter and is promptly ignored, person-i-don't-know.

Andrew Jaden: go ask cheryl if you can be godfather to our cats.

Zulfahmi: we don't have an outdated codified set of procedures that everyone else's weddings are boringly counterfeited from without any imagination, no. we do whatever we want to, and it will be uniquely ours.

Andrew Jaden said...

Cats?! Cats?! Those furry adorable beasts are the distilled essence of evil -- oh, fine.

Howard said...

In ten years, blog on whether u & Cheryl still together. Your impulse to get hitched seems to be a reaction to news that your ex-GF is either 1)getting married soon or 2)very close to a guy who u think is not equal to u as a man of professional status, intellectual prowess or proficiency in the English Language (yup, u would fit in as an Eng major at Cambridge). They laughed as they danced on the Titanic on the first night out in the Atlantic. I am off reading this blog until 3 aug 2022.

k0k s3n w4i said...

Howard: i find it incredibly presumptuous of you to shit on our upcoming marriage when you know next to nothing about us. please tell me; do you know what the concept of marriage means to me? do you know all the qualities i've been hunting all my life in a lover? do you know how long cheryl and i intend to be engaged until we register? do you know the real reasons that ended my 4 year persistently-long-distance relationship with my ex, whom i only meet once every 6 months with no prospect of ever getting married? seriously? you know all these things well enough to prognosticate my future marriage? holy shit, you must be psychic! and you know for a fact that the longer a couple put off marriage, the more successful they are?

i do not know if my ex is getting married soon because i am no longer in contact with her. and for the record, I also habitually think that the vast majority of people are inferior to me in every way.

and lastly. the titanic was one of three ships in the olympic-class of ocean liners. only the titanic sank in its maiden voyage. go read a book instead of spending your time pretending like you got a pair of complete strangers all figured out.

p.s. by the way, i predict that you'll die 10 years later from AIDS you got from the open sores of your dad's cock. xoxo

Tom said...

I think the word "courage" is often misused, but it was the first thing I though of when I read your post. Having been a fan of your musings for a while now, I feel obliged to congratulate you. So congratulations to you and Cheryl and may you be blessed with many years of happiness and unremitting joy.

Well, actually the first thing that came to my mind was "fuck" but I thought courage would've been more appropriate given intent of this comment. =D

Rewarp said...

I look forward to my invitation to the Internet wedding.

So will you set fire to a pool of gasoline in a shape of a ring and symbolically toss some lithium into water to signify the intense reaction for one another during the live webcast of the wedding?

Diyana said...

I don't know you in person, but I am shocked that YOU are getting married. What's next? You're having kids?! hihi

Congratulations anyway.

Good things comes when you least expect it.

anonymous #2 said...

hasta la vista, howard.

Kai ming said...

Master Wai, if you gonna keep up the rate of your blog, how are we your loyal fans ever hope to nominate u for Malaysia no.1 blogger or ok malaysia fav blogger? Give us the ammo to fire for you! Can u at least beat Patrick teoh?

Anais said...

Kai Ming STFU! Niamah! Pat teoh my hero! How about outranking malaysiakini?

Anonymous said...

You spoke too soon... and now you have to eat up your own words and justify your actions.

fev said...

is your cbox gone? i haven't been able to load it along with your other little columns the last few days.

to the haters> maybe he did or didn't speak too soon, but god your lives must be shit for you to be hung up on ppl you don't know. he doesn't have to justify his actions to anyone. if he wants to take a picture of his own poop and upload it as a link without warning and annoy you morons he would do it simply for the fact it would be fun. i would find it fun. and if he follows through with the marriage, then good. if there is a commitment for some unknown reason he would follow through better than the rest of you little crack heads can. just coz none of you have the balls to do what he's done and follow through.

i don't get why your haters feel the need to reiterate the same point when it was already said. what's the point of updating for the non hater readers and obliging if haters are gonna be so "OHHH YOU SAID IT NOW. OH YOU GOTTA DO IT NOW. OR YOU WILL HAVE TO EAT YOUR SHOES BECAUSE YOU LIED."

update lah.

Anonymous said...

Oh master oh guru oh mystical one ... We are waiting 4 the doctor's next prescription of life's agonies and remedies, so can he attend to his blog stalkers?

Anonymous said...

Once upon a time there was an angry young man who became a doctor and found himself a princess and they lived happily ever after. The dragons were slayed and peace was upon the land. The end.

Anonymous said...

Well written KSW. Cheryl and you hit me like a cross between 500 Days of Summer and Murakami's short story about seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning. Except you guys are real :D I don't know how to explain this better but if you read Murakami, i think you'd understand.

You woke up to that deep happiness and you knew, you knew what you weren't sure of before Cheryl came into your life.

Enjoy the bliss of marriage and the lifetime of "xing fu" :)

Cheryl's friend - Mag.

k0k s3n w4i said...

Tom: for what it's worth, i think "fuck" was a perfectly appropriate response.

Rewarp: sorry, we don't do tacky. there will be no wedding, haha.

Diyana: kids are now in the kiv list.

Kai Ming: i have fans?

Anonymous: i don't think you know what those expressions mean.

beve: well, the column is visible in other posts. no idea why it's wonky. i'm trying to update, but i am a little swamped at the moment - with work and with that debate i'm organising. and thanks :)

Anonymous: i'm on it!

Anonymous: angry... young... man?

Mag: i saw 500 days of summer. isn't the whole flick about being with the wrong person? :P oh, and you got that head on that nail good, haha.

Anonymous said...

I just thought perhaps that's like how/what you and Cheryl have been dealing with before meeting each other.

Mag :)

Anonymous said...

oh boy, a nerd and his hanger ons. maybe people would take you more seriously if you stop typing l1k3 Th15. or maybe no.

enjoy your tiny little universe.

Teabie said...

I so love your blog. Geez, how long have I been reading it!? I love your cynicism, your thoughts, your posts with the Ex, and now, there's this! Why is anyone angry by people who have found love, regardless of how they wrote or felt about it prior? Love is a funny thing, humans are funny things. I'd long understood this, and just find it strange that people give you shit for writing that you wanna marry Cheryl, or even go goo goo gaga in the river of love. Oh please, just give your blessings la, is it so difficult? =(

It's your life in the end. And readers have their own lives in the end. People read at their own discretion. I don't see that they'd lost anything in the process. People are flexible, fluid creatures. Can't expect everything to ALWAYS remain static. It's not like you became a mass murderer or something.

ANYWAYS, just me ranting away. Sorry! SW, congratulations to u and Cheryl!

Anonymous said...

@the last anonymous: u r suxx and u izz st2pid. LOLZZZZ.

fuck off.

siehjin said...

allow me to add my voice to the chorus of congratulations! =)

i rejoice in your happiness. but happiness is fleeting; rather, i wish you both joy, and may it endure for a lifetime. =D

shanaz@RS said...

Aw, I can't help but be very envious. Just kidding though. I'm supremely happy for you and Cheryl! :)

c3rs3i said...

Oh woww.. N mentioned you were getting hitched and I finally had a chance to come trawl through your posts read for myself - Didn't think I'd been away thaaaat long but in the time I've been MIA you found someone, got engaged and are now all moved in?!? When it rains man does it pour!!

Anyway, many CONGRATULATIONS~~!!! And best of luck for your future together! =)))