Saturday, May 09, 2009

Please Boycott X-Men Origins: Wolverine

"The day my father Odin banished me from Asgard, I was bitten by a vampire and had radioactive waste dumped into my eyes. To make matters worse, my mutant ability to control weather activated just as I was hit by a blast of gamma radiation. Nah, actually, I got this way by volunteering for the Weapon X program. They promised to cure my cancer. And they cured it all right, by giving me an outrageous healing factor. Then they labeled me psychotic and tossed me into a prison lab. So I escaped and became what some people might call a 'mercenary'. I prefer the title 'cleaner of the gene pool'"


This is going to be a quick one because I am massively occupied by that portion of my life and persona which is trying to be a doctor (some exam is coming up, see), but yet, another aspect of my self - my pop-culture geek side - insists on getting the word out on the most recent screen reincarnation of Marvel's most ludicrously popular anti-hero, Wolverine, just in case there's anyone who haven't watch it yet. That word, dear readers, is "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Yeap, there are spoilers in this article somewhere, but they don't really matter. Who cares if a lousy movie is spoiled?

Wolverine poster
Posturing since 1974.

Now, I'm not a Wolvie fan by any stretch. I personally find the character bland and somewhat repugnant. And I also imagine that he smells bad for some reason. The number one problem a lot of people have with his characterisation is that he is far too civilised in the X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie, having almost no problem at all in keeping his bloodthirsty side in check. Now, remember that this is suppose to be pre-X-Men Wolverine. He's suppose to have this long dark history of bloodshed and carnage prior to joining the X-Men, and he only became more tempered and less savage in the timeframe of the three previous X-Men movies.

So, why is Wolverine in Origins more civilised (read: such a big pussy) compared to the Wolverine in X-Men 1-through-3? I call character derailment on this.

Also, what the fuck was up with the CGI? Did they let the interns do Wolvie's claws for a lark and a laugh?

Wolverine Claws
I don't mean to be Captain Obvious here but...

There's heckuva a lot of shit I can dump too on the frankly ridiculous storyline, like the almost campy brother theme with overt homoerotic undertones between Wolvie and Sabretooth. The quality of the script is frankly appalling. Let's take for example that scene when Stryker spoke within earshot of Wolvie about how he had tricked our gruff anti-hero into joining the Weapon X program and how he plan to eventually betray him (which naturally led to Wolvie escaping from the Weapon X laboratories in a one of his berserker moments). I ask you, is there no other way of letting Wolverine know that he's been screwed without having the Stryker accidentally tell it to his face? This is plain bad writing.

Then, Stryker sent his prodigous marksman/assassin Agent Zero after Wolvie knowing full well that nothing Agent Zero shoot, launch or lob at Wolvie can kill him, while withholding the DAMN ADAMANTIUM BULLETS FROM HIM, THE ONLY DAMN THING THAT CAN HARM WOLVERINE AFTER THEY GAVE HIM AN ADAMANTIUM SKELETON AND MADE HIM INVINCIBLE. It's like Stryker didn't want Agent Zero to succeed at all. Laughable. The entire Wolverine movie is a montage of such bad screenwriting practices.

I have also lost count of how many times they made Wolvie fall on his knees and howl in anguished rage at the sky. Veeery emotionally moving indeed, Hollywood.

Now, I can go on and on about how sucky the script is, how uninspired, bland and generic the action scenes are, and how badly they violated the comics' fans anuses - but I simply don't have the time. So, I'll just concentrate on my pet peeve, my number one beef with this Hugh Jackman star-vehicle groan-fest. Let's look at Deadpool.

Ryan Reynolds
Ryan Reynolds is... DEAD-FUCKING-POOL! Fox is finally doing something right!

I am a DC Comics fan mostly. I'm a fan of Sandman, the Joker (from Batman) and Watchmen, and I admit that I don't read a whole lot of Marvel's stuff. There's only one character I like in the entire Marvel universe, and that's Deadpool. When I first heard that he's appearing in the Wolverine movie, and that long-time fan of Deadpool, Ryan Reynolds, was going to play everyone's favourite Merc with a Mouth, I was almost beside myself with nerdgasm.

Then this happened,

weapon XI 2
Which part of "Merc with a Mouth" did you not understand?

It's bad enough that they fused the characters Weapon XI and Deadpool into this weird shit mutant, this absolute pinnacle of lame (more on that) but why the fuck did they take away the single most defining characteristic of a fan favourite character? He's called the Merc with a Mouth for a reason, okay! The thing that made him so popular is his hilarious, childish, ADD'ish banter which he wouldn't stop, even in the middle of all-out fights. In the entire Marvel universe, I doubt that there's a single character which has a higher laugh to speech bubble ratio than ol' Deadpool.

deadpool quote
Classic Deadpool.

Deadpool moment
Pop-culture savvy Deadpool.

Fourth-wall breaking Deadpool. The man knows he's in a comic book, bless 'im. Since he's also suppose to be completely insane, people just assume that he's talking nonsense when he talks about it.

Fox and its nimcompoop screenwriter and retard director thought that it's okay to trade Deadpool's trademark wealth of conversational funnies for a single, throwaway "finally shut him up" gag. Sure, we got a small, tiny teeny taste of the true-to-character Deadpool back when he's still just Wade Wilson in the movie, but that only served to remind us how much character potential they have stomped and shat on.

Now, Weapon XI (which is apparently Deadpool in this travesty of a film) is the Big Bad that Wolverine has to fight, and he's basically Wade Wilson tanked up with Wolvie's healing factor, Cyclop's optic blasts, and John Wraith's teleportation powers... and the lamest possible imitation of Wolverine's retractable claws,

weapon XI 1
How did he bend his elbow when the fucking katanas were in his forearms? Wait wrong question. Right question: Where the fuck is our Deadpool?!

The original Deadpool is already a sufficiently cool character to begin with. Making him a dorkier version of Wolverine isn't going to help one bit. God, I can totally imagine some rich, fat, out-of-touch Fox executive at some pitch meeting going, "Hey, kids like Wolverine and his claw things right? Let's graft Deadpool's katanas into his arms too! It's a brilliant idea, I tell you. Now if you gentlemen would excuse me, I got to go piss on some homeless orphan's face."

Technically, Weapon XI in thi movie is a living amalgam of powers from a bunch of kidnapped or killed mutants in the Canadian Weapon X program, which supposedly gives this movie's edition of Deadpool his name. He's a "Pool of powers from Dead mutants". Geddit? GEDDIT?!

By my count, only one of his powers actually came from a dead guy, rendering his name practically meaningless. See, this is what happens when you're trying to shoehorn some character into a role he's not meant to play, Fox. Read the damn comics. The reason for his name in them is a whole lot more cooler, and makes good sense too.

This is how he looks like. Learn how to trace, you Fox fuckheads.

IN MY HONEST AND HUMBLE OPINION, this movie isn't very hard to make at all. It's going to star one of Marvel's most popular character - Wolverine - and also introduce two fan favourites on the big screen for the very first time; Gambit and Deadpool (with perfect casting choices, if I may say so myself). No fans want the characters reinterpreted or revised in anyway, and people who aren't familiar with the franchise aren't going to know any better. All 20th Century-Fox need to do is get some of the peeps from Marvel for a bit of consultancy work so they don't go off the tracks - or if they are that cheap, they can probably get fans to do the consultation work for free. Heck, I'd pay to do that job just to make sure they don't screw up Deadpool!

Fox just has this vile agenda to trash everyone's childhood fantasies. I'm convinced of that now. In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, it's like they took Deadpool, sit around a table and had a brainstorming session just for the singular purpose of thinking up the most effective ways to ruin the character. There's no possible way anyone can unwittingly make such a big mess of it. Fuck you, Fox. FUCK YOU!

Just a few days ago, Fox just announced that Deadpool spinoff movie is in currently in the works, and that Reynolds is going to reprise his role.

... aaand it's going to suck. I just know it. And after Fox ruin it but good, no studio would want to touch the character for at least a few decades or more, till people forget how horrible it was and are ready for another Deadpool outing. There is a distinct possibility that I might not live long enough to see a GOOD Deadpool movie made.

I hope Marvel can somehow reacquire the filmmaking rights to Deadpool from Fox, like what they did with Iron Man. There's a reason why Iron Man did so well, made so much money and made every fan thoroughly satisfied with the faithfulness of the movie to the source material while managing to rope in busloads of new fans at the same time.

For the sake of better movies for our children and the future generations, people, stop watching movies made by Fox! Don't watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine if you haven't. We need to bankrupt those motherfuckers.

P.S. There's suppose to be two different post-credit scenes inserted at the end of the Wolverine movies, depending on which version of the reel your local theatres received. One shows Wolverine in Japan, hinting at his Japanese storyline in the comics and a sequel. The other shows the decapitated body of Deadpool reaching for his severed head. He opened his eyes, showing that he's still alive after all with his mouth mysteriously restored. And he shushed the audience directly, breaking the fourth wall. They got that part right! So, maybe there's still hope that they'll do the Deadpool movie right?

P.P.S. Damn, I keep raising my own hopes. Someone please stab me.

Related post: How the Dragonball Movie Nearly Did Not Suck (and Why It Sucked Anyway).

Incensed Deadpool fan typing furiously,
k0k s3n w4i


CrazySphinx said...

I wasn't looking forward for the movie anyway. My Summer movies will be Jim Jarmusch's Limits of Control and Rian Johnson's Brothers Bloom. Also, Star Trek was good.

But what a shame. I was hoping Wolverine to be good. Not because I cared about any of the characters, but because of the leak. I don't like Fox, but I wouldn't want that to happen to them.

Well, it still made a shit load of money anyway. After all, that's all the suits at Fox care about.

bevE said...

aiyoh maybe they wanted to make a movie called wolverine with no relation whatsoever to the real wolverine, even though there might have been similar characters xD

ericG said...

Damn, you should have commented on this show much earlier. I wasted RM12 for this fucking show. It sucks and yes, the CGI is really laughable. Just look at Blob. What the hell?? Can't they make a better rubber suit? The script, plots and everything about the show sucks. I hate Gambit in this show and Sabretooth isn't any better. Fox seriously ruin every komik book fans. God damn it Fox, u suck!

nissy said...

I've watched Star Trek, and it's awesome. Beats Wolverine hands down.

k0k s3n w4i said...

CrazySphinx: I'm mostly waiting for Cameron's Avatar this year, but it's not coming out till the end of the year. Anyhow, the workprint which leaked was sans special effects. What is a superhero movie without its effects anyway? I didn't watch the workprint cos of that.

bevE: i will not even dignify this comment with a reply >_>

ericG: I thought gambit was awesome, except that they simply didn't know how to fit him into the 3-way fight. he just jumps in randomly and cause explosions when he should be running away. doesn't make sense. poor writing again.

nissy: it's an amazing movie, star trek. i'm going to watch it again. i'm a bit of a pop-cultural osmotic trekkie so I got most of the allusions and shoutouts in the flick. awesome!

bevE said...