Sunday, April 15, 2012

Heroine

"Now I know that I'm not
All that you got
I guess that I
I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart"

We Are Young by fun. featuring Janelle MonĂ¡e

This is a two days old post.

My head feels light. I had a double serving of Cosmo after dinner and now I'm chasing it with a Black Russian which tasted suspiciously un-harsh, a reliable sign that I am at that stage of inebriation when liquor tastes great with little or no dilution and every idea conceived by my mind sounds brilliant. One more drink and I'm going to call my ex, if I haven't already consigned her number to oblivion.

With every song I streamed on YouTube, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that I'm in that familiar place where life is shallow and strangely bleached of purpose. There's an undercurrent of heartache that I'm so used to that I've accepted it as the baseline of my paint-by-numbers existence. My job at the hospital is an unrewarding series of episodes of human tragedy; a perpetual ongoing advertisement of the futility of clinging to our transient lives. In the past one month, I have told two different friends not to kill themselves. I would have sounded more convincing if I actually believed in living.

An elderly woman with failing kidneys told me today that "her heart aches" at the long hours I work, at how she sees me every day of the week - weekends or public holidays alike - and I lied to her, saying that I love my job. I don't know why I did that.

I think I am over my ex-girlfriend. I believe what I am experiencing is the hollowness she left behind, and that is a crucial distinction to make. I'd like to be dating again if I actually have the time to do it. I kept having this fantasy of a girl, reaching and pulling me out of the prison of lassitude within which I'm trapped - but my heroine never materialised. That is really what I missed most. I missed the idea that there are seven billion people on this rock suspended in an ever-expanding emptiness and one of them is mine. And I hers.



Finding a reason to live,
k0k s3n w4i

11 comments:

nicoletta said...

it will probably happen again. meeting someone special and being in another relationship, I mean. most of the people around me seem to be going around in pairs, and are in great (from the outsider's POV) relationships. so much so that it feels that relationships must be very easy to get into. at least it feels that way even if it's far from true. guess you just have to be receptive to new experiences and open to people.

ap said...

So I guess you have to either work less or date someone at work. hopefully the elevator thing can be done :D

c3rs3i said...

What's the hospital's or profession's policy on dating patients? Or their family? There's potential for a story somewhere in those 108 hours a week you work me thinks. Remember that the next time you look grumpy or unapproachable - you could be putting your heroine off finding you ;)

k0k s3n w4i said...

nicoletta: a relationship with me isn't an easy thing to get into due to my many idiosyncrasies. besides, i haven't met a woman worth fighting for yet. everyone just seems so ordinary.

ap: i rather not date a doctor. all they ever talk about is work.

c3rs3i: eet ees fohbiddern. and i hate being a classist but my patients (and their family members) tend to belong on the lower end of the education scale. i don't want to have a relationship where most of the things i talk or care about goes whooshing right over my lover's head.

ap said...

nurses? or, scout around in book stores.......

i am starting a film blog and u're the only person who ever appeared to take interest in my recommendations, hope i can get some feedback from your opinionated self

oh btw maybe u'll be interested in this?
http://eatingasia.typepad.com/eatingasia/2012/03/so-you-want-to-be-a-travel-writer.html

k0k s3n w4i said...

ap: sure thing. where's your film blog at?

haven't met a nurse i can imagine myself dating yet. and haunting bookstores to try and meet girls seem sleazy and desperate to me.

i love to travel and write about it - only, i can't get enough time off my job to do it any more. i also have tonnes of pictures and posts about my older backpacking trips i have not even gotten a start on.

ap said...

there's only one post atm. i left it in the URL: filmfester.wordpress.com

lol i would agree that the stuff of imagination dont usually translate well to real life......

i just think u should send stuff in along the way and maybe one day stuff will happen, who knows?

k0k s3n w4i said...

ap: it's worthwhile to figure out a good format early on. do you really want to do all reviews in monoparagraphs? may i suggest more pictures?

ap said...

oh alright paragraphing it is. i guess i was quite fond of the slant magazine's format, one picture to give the mood of it although more pictures make u read on with more interest... i think many times i read a review on slant looking at the one picture and the star rating and decide if im gonna see the movie, lol. will put in a couple more, thanksss

yuhhui said...

you're a very interesting person. It will be easy for you. I'm sure one day in the near future, you will find your girl. =)

k0k s3n w4i said...

ap: i see you've taken my advice, haha. you shouldn't really be listening to me though. i'm not exactly running a popular blog.

yuhhui: i'm flattered that you think that way, but the real me is quite different from the persona you see on my blog. let's hope you are right :)