"I'm gonna fight 'em allA seven nation army couldn't hold me backThey're gonna rip it offTaking their time right behind my back"
Seven Nation Army (2003) by The White Stripes
I'm listening to the Glitch Mob remix.
I have a love-hate relationship with my chosen career, and these days, it's gravitating far too much to the hate side of the spectrum. I hate being the Ward Captain for the sinking HMS Female Surgical Ward. I hate being accountable for my colleagues' screw ups, and I hate having to be the person to talk to them about how they can improve on their performances when all I want to do is mind my own fucking business. I hate that our workload doubled due to an unprecedented deluge of new patients in the past few weeks. I hate the fact that on some days, there are only three house officers available to perform the collective job list of the ward while I'm still getting requests from my bosses to send ever more house officers to the endoscopy and the fluoroscopy rooms, the clinic, and the operating theatres - and then having to explain to those same bosses why the millions of little jobs in the ward were not accomplished to their utter and complete satisfaction.
Most of all, I hate being in a position of leadership I neither desired nor asked for. It happened when I was in the OB/GYN department, and now it happened again. I am by nature a loner, an outsider, a contrarian, and an irreparably twisted weirdo. Why do the people in-charge keep getting these ideas that I should instead be part of the establishment?
It's been a couple of weeks since I had breakfast or lunch and my stomach is starting to forget what those feels like. I'm making amends to myself by having really nice dinners every day and then going home to make myself an equally nice drink. Today, I made myself a rather long, sippy White Russian - one part vodka with one part Kahlúa on the rocks, and then topped off with almost two parts cream. For purists, that's far too much but I am of the opinion that there's no such thing as too much cream.
It was heavenly, indulgent, and I damn well earned it. And I'm going to watch Midnight in Paris nursing it for as close as I can approach forever.
Having a slice of me-time,
k0k s3n w4i