Tuesday, February 21, 2012

From Bedlam to Bedroom

"I'm gonna fight 'em all
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back"

Seven Nation Army (2003) by The White Stripes

I'm listening to the Glitch Mob remix.

I have a love-hate relationship with my chosen career, and these days, it's gravitating far too much to the hate side of the spectrum. I hate being the Ward Captain for the sinking HMS Female Surgical Ward. I hate being accountable for my colleagues' screw ups, and I hate having to be the person to talk to them about how they can improve on their performances when all I want to do is mind my own fucking business. I hate that our workload doubled due to an unprecedented deluge of new patients in the past few weeks. I hate the fact that on some days, there are only three house officers available to perform the collective job list of the ward while I'm still getting requests from my bosses to send ever more house officers to the endoscopy and the fluoroscopy rooms, the clinic, and the operating theatres - and then having to explain to those same bosses why the millions of little jobs in the ward were not accomplished to their utter and complete satisfaction.

Most of all, I hate being in a position of leadership I neither desired nor asked for. It happened when I was in the OB/GYN department, and now it happened again. I am by nature a loner, an outsider, a contrarian, and an irreparably twisted weirdo. Why do the people in-charge keep getting these ideas that I should instead be part of the establishment?

It's been a couple of weeks since I had breakfast or lunch and my stomach is starting to forget what those feels like. I'm making amends to myself by having really nice dinners every day and then going home to make myself an equally nice drink. Today, I made myself a rather long, sippy White Russian - one part vodka with one part KahlĂșa on the rocks, and then topped off with almost two parts cream. For purists, that's far too much but I am of the opinion that there's no such thing as too much cream.

It was heavenly, indulgent, and I damn well earned it. And I'm going to watch Midnight in Paris nursing it for as close as I can approach forever.

Having a slice of me-time,
k0k s3n w4i


nicoletta said...

I liked the white stripes. maybe it's because you speak your mind too much. or maybe you display too much knowledge and confidence. that screams leadership to some people. Midnight in Paris was an interesting film.

Anonymous said...

Well you decided to be a doctor, so enjoy the pressure that comes with your chosen exalted profession; take it as the advance payment you now make to enjoy the windfalls of your specialist practice in 10 years' time, maybe back in melaka.

k0k s3n w4i said...

nicoletta: i identify a little with gil - except that instead of the past, i long for the future. i got the impression that it was a very personal film for woody allen. owen wilson was basically playing him. anyway, my blog persona is very different from my real life persona. i'm not like this at work.

Anonymous: you sound like you're someone really old.