The Quintessential Guide to Surviving Manipal

"Study in Manipal. Get inspired by life."

manipal.edu

10. Get all the vaccines and immunity shots known to mankind prior to coming to India;
Polio, Tetanus-diphtheria-pertussis, Measles, Typhoid, Japanese Encephalitis (if you’re visiting the boondocks *coughManipalcough*), Rabies, Hepatitis A-to-Z… If you survive all these needle jabs, you might possibly survive this country.

9. Bring your own homegrown, Malaysian flavoured Maggi mee.
Regardless how “quaint” and “exotic” Masala Maggi sounds, I assure you that it tastes pretty much like horse-sh!t – only with less horse and more sh!t.

Horse-sh!t.

8. Learn how to say “Less sugar,” when you order anything from a local eatery – even things that don’t usually contain sugar (refer also #7).
There's apparently a national obsession with the sweet stuff; your standard cup of tea here is one part water and two parts sugar, and there are cakes so sweet that you'll actually screw up your face in sugar agony as soon as you take a bite. One out of every four diabetics in the world is an Indian; that's some seriously insane amount of sugar pee if you ask me.

7. Invest in a good, anti-halistosis¹ mouthwash or breath-freshener.
The staple vegetable here is onion. The pasta here is smothered in onions. The pizza here has more onions than cheese. Heck, even if you specifically ordered a bowl of fried rice with NO onions, you’ll still find onions hidden somewhere at the bottom. If you don’t like onions, you will die of starvation.

6. Practice a good, forbidding frown in front of your mirror.
I found that the beggar kids will scatter and run when you frown at them like this;

"This oughta put the fear of God in them scruffy whippersnappers!"

5. Take swimming lessons.
During the monsoon season, you might have to swim to get anywhere at all – class, meals, shops, the swimming pool, etc. You might even want to consider buying a yacht if you're rolling in paper Gandhis. Imagine non-stop torrential rain. Back-to-back. Day and night. For months.

4. Pork can be found at Tasty Bites and Thai Lin. Mutton (and beef)² can be found in the Valley View Hotel.
What everybody needs to know.

Forbidden pleasure.

3. Watch old reruns of Fear Factor to prep yourself mentally.
Ever wondered where the producers get inspirations for those stunts where the contestants get locked up in claustrophobic chambers full of icky bugs and are forced to eat god-awful, disgusting animal innards/juiced insects/beastie genitalia? That’s right; from the life and day of an average student studying in Manipal, India.

Ant infestation in my room.

Deep fried hemorrhoids³

2. Own a laptop and apply for broadband.
This will be your sole source of entertainment. Your holy shrine. Your altar of worship. Your meaning of life. The nearest mall (which is about as big as two good-sized shop-houses) is located a fair two-hour bus ride away. The nearest decent bookstore would require you to board an hour-long domestic flight to get to it (or 12 hours of butt-busting bus journey, whichever works for you). Don’t even get me started on movie theatres and McDonald’s.



… and the number one pointer to surviving Manipal is…









































1. Don’t come here. Stay away if you value your life. What the hell is wrong with you? Malaysia not good enough for you is it?


The Manipalite,
k0ks3nw4i

¹ A fancy and scary sounding way of saying 'bad breath'. Boy, I can't wait to tell my patients in the future that they have halistosis and prescribe them Tic-Tacs in pill bottles.
² Cows are practically royalties in India. Seriously - all vehicles would even stop and wait patiently for cows to cross roads in their slow, sluggish cow-pace. When I tried the same thing, I got honked to kingdom come.
³ Okay, fine - it's cauliflower. In spite of its appearance, Gobi Manchurian (that's what it's called) actually tastes pretty good.